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JAMES NICHOLSON
Presented to the
LIBRARY of the UNIVERSITY OF TORONTO
THE ESTATE OF THE LATE JAMES NICHQLSCN
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JUNE 35, 1913.
PUNCH
Vol. CXLIV. JANUARY— JUNE, 1913.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, JUNE 25,
LONDON: PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 10, BOUVERIE STREET
AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1913
PUKCK, o* Tin LONDON CHARIVARI, JUNE 25, 1913-
101
p*
Bradbury, Agnew & Co., Ld.,
Printers, London and Tonbridge.
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
CALENDAR, 1913.
|
Sanuarg |
jfebruaty |
flDarcb |
Spill |
flDas |
3une |
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
3 M To W TH F S |
i 2 3 4 |
8 9 10 n |
12 "3 M IS i fa 17 iS |
19 2C 21 22 23 24 25 |
26 -'7 •S 29 JO 3 1 |
s M Tu W TH F S |
i |
2 3 4 8 |
9 10 n 12 '3 M '5 |
16 17 iS '9 20 21 22 |
23 24 25 26 27 2S |
s M Tu W TH F S |
i |
2 3 4 6 1 |
9 10 n 12 13 14 15 |
16 17 iS 19 20 2-' |
23 24 25 26 27 2S 29 |
30 3' |
s M Tu W TH F S |
I 2 3 4 S |
C 7 8 9 10 1 1 12 |
•3 '4 '5 16 17 iS '9 |
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 |
27 2b 29 3c |
s M Tu W TH F S |
i 2 3 |
4 i 8 9 10 |
n 12 13 '4 '5 16 '7 |
18 "9 20 21 22 23 24 |
25 26 27 28 29 .50 31 |
s M Tu W TH F S |
I 2 3 4 7 |
cS 9 10 n 12 '3 '4 |
'5 K, 17 18 19 20 21 |
22 23 24 2 27 IS |
29 30 :; |
|
|
3ul\? |
HllQUSt |
S( s M To W TH F S |
:pi i 2 3 4 6 |
tembcr |
October |
•November 5)ecember |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
s M Tu \V TH F S |
I 2 3 4 5 |
6 7 8 9 10 n 12 |
• 3 M '5 16 i? iS "> |
20 21 22 23 24 2 |
27 28 20 3° 3> |
5 M Tu \V Tu F S |
I 2 |
3 4 6 8 9 |
10 ii 12 '3 M '5 16 |
17 iS "9 20 21 22 23 |
24 25 26 27 28 29 30 |
31 |
7 8 9 10 n 12 13 |
14 15 16 17 ib 19 20 |
21 22 23 24 1 27 |
21- 29 JC |
s M Tu \V TH F S |
2 3 4 |
6 7 cS 9 10 i : |
12 13 '4 ti 1C 17 IS |
'9 to 21 22 2.; 24 ^5 |
26 27 2i> 2C-, (0 3' |
s M Tu W TH F S |
i |
3 4 S |
9 10 II 12 '3 14 '5 |
16 '7 18 " 20 21 22 |
23 24 25 20 27 2S> 2.) |
30 |
S M Tu W Tu F S |
i 2 3 4 6 |
8 9 10 1 1 12 [3 |
14 \i 3 •9 20 |
21 22 23 24 2', 2( 27 |
2S 29 30 3' |
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
"MABGABET, HAVE YOU SAID voun PBAYERS?" "YES, MUMMY DEAR, BUT " " BUT WHAT?'
"PEBHAPS I'D BETTEB SAY THEM AGAIN, AS THEY DIDN'T SOUND QUITE BIGHT." "WHATEVER DO YOU MF.AN, DKAR?" "WELL, YOU SEE, BILLY WAS TRYING HIS NEW PEA-SHOOTER ON MY BARE FEET ALL THE TIME."
Basil. "WELL, WE CAME I* A GREAT A SHORT FUNNEL, A DOUBLE CONNECTING-ROD AND AN OUTSIDE CTLIR0KB."
Punch's AlmanacR for 1913.
Banl; Clerk (to lady who has presented crossed cheque for payment). "I AM SORRY, MADAM, BUT I CANNOT CASH you THIS ACBOSS THE COUNTER." Lady. "On, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL COME ROUND."
IP
HULLO, PAT! WHAT YER GOT THKHE?'
DOES IT TASTE LIKE?"
" SODA-W/.TTER THEY DO CALL IT." ' SHURE, IT TASTES LIKE VEB FUT WAS ASIILEEP.'
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
THE HOME BEAUTIFUL.
OrESING OP THE ROCKERY SEASON IN OUR GARDES SUBURB.
ONE OF THE BOYS. Knt Caddie. •• WHO 'BE YE FOOB xms MORNING, ANGUS ? " Second Caddie. •• A 'M FOOR THE PETTICOATS.
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
TURNING OVER A NEW CENTURY.
ACT I.
EVE OF THE 100TH BIRTHDAY.
ACT IT.
TUK 100TH BIRTHDAY.
ACT III.
THE llOrii BIRTHDAY.
ACT IV.
TUB 120TH BIBTHDAY.
Punch's AlmanacK for 1913.
NATURE AND THE SPORTSMAN.
r-It'8 a cr-r-ran' vK-w." snid tho groat golfer, as ho stood on the tenth toe.
" It '» a gr-r-an1 viow," r<Tl,ed his opponent, who was 3 down at the turn-" it \s a gMT-Hn1 vi^ wtotevor.
when yc 're 8 tip ! " oyal and Very Ancient Golf Legc nds.~]
" THERE was a time when meadow, grove and stream ' (WORDSWORTH) to me meant practically nil ;
No "glory" there, no " freshness of a dream," But just a playground ; when I took the hill,
Like to a young gazeka, lithe of limb,
I had no thoughts too deep for mortal plummet ;
'Twas just for joy of getting (curious whim ! ) Up to the summit.
No Nymph surprised me nutting in the glade ;
No Faun addressed me in the woodland Cree'.: ; No sketchy Dryad, peeping from the shade Wooed me, all blackberry smears, upon tho
cheek ; As for the primrose (in the river scene),
Which, rightly viewed, affects our holier feelings, For all I cared it might as well have been Potato-peelings.
Then dawned the lovely adolescent prime
When salad sprouts, and young calf-loves occur ; When Nature, while the new buds burst in rhyme,
Is worth considering, on account of HEB ; Then, if I noticed, in its saffron dross,
Beside the same old river's marge, the primrose, Forth from my lips, still damp with HER caress, A jocund hymn rose.
Such periods pass, but leave their print behind.
" Never," I said, " in all my years to be, Never again can I be wholly blind
To Nature's wish lo keep in touch with mo."
Tho waters whispered my affairs ; the trees, Communing of them, grew almost poetic, And so I went on swallowing " fallacies " Strangely " pathetic."
Then came a dreadful change : I took to Spor'u.
I could not look upon that sight most fair — High woods where Autumn holds his regal court —
But I must think : " They 'd come well over there ! " And, though I still regarded Nature's claim,
The lust to perforate some harmless creature Preoccupied me till the thing became My leading feature.
Then followed worse. Ah, Scotland ! I have known Great evenings when the sea-loch's burnished gold,
Flanked by the hill's shot-velvet, green and roan, Has left my bosom absolutely cold ;
And just because, upon the windy brae,
Through inadvertence, some mere silly trifle —
Over- (or under-) sight — no deer that day Fell to my rifle.
'•'' ••'• •"• -::- -::- .:•
So mused he, plodding in the gillies' track,
When " Hist ! " — he dropped to earth and, crawling
prone, Got in — drew breath — t:ok steady aim, and — crack! —
Toppled his beast, ten points and eighteen stone ! Later — his foot upon the gralloched dead —
Touching tho stalker's arm still bare and gory, " Duncan, my friend, have you remarked," he said,
" Yon sunset's glory? "
O.
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
FREAK HOSPITALITY is STILL EXTREMELY FASHIOXABLE. MB. HARRY VASDERJINKS, \viio NEABLY LOST ins LIFE BY SHIPWRECK
A YEAB AGO, YESTERDAY GAVE A BACHELORS' DINNER TO CELEBRATE THE ANNIVEB8ABY OP HIS E8CAPK. THE SERVICES OP A LIFE- BOAT CBEW WEBE REQUISITIONED AND GUESTS WERE ONLY PERMITTED TO ENTEB THE RESTAURANT BY MEANS OF THE LIFE-SAVING AI'PABATUS AND THE BREECHES BUOY.
MR. EUSTACE II. JOT, WHO SOME TIME AGO NEARLY PERISHED IN AN EABTHQ.UAKE i.\ MEXICO, GAVE AN KTEBESTING DINNER
? WEEK TO CELEBRATE HIS HAPPY ESCAPE. JuST AS THE SOUP WAS SEBVED THE HOST GAVE A SIGNAL AND A NUMBEB OP CON- > ATTENDANTS BEGAN TO PUT INTO MOTION ALL TUB MOST CHARACTERISTIC FEATURES OF AN EARTHQUAKE. THE GUESTS THOROUGHLY ENJOYED THE NOVELTV OF THE EXPERIENCE
-
Punch's AlmanacK for 1913.
THE CARD-ROOM AT THE TRUMPERS' CLUB.
AS II WAS IN THE DAYS OP WHIST,
AS IT WAS IH TUE DAYS OF BRIDGE.
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
THE CARD-ROOM AT THE TRUMPERS1 CLUB.
AS IT IS IN THE DAYS OF COON-CAH.
AND AS IT WILL rnoBABLY BE IN THE NEAR FUTCBE.
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
Golfer (unsteadied ly Christmas luncheon) to Opponent. " SIR, I WISH YOU CLEARLY TO UNDERSTAND THAT I RESENT YOUB
JUST— YOUR INTERFERENCE WITH MY GAME, SlR I TlLT THE GREEN ONCE MORE, SIR, AND I CHUCK THE MATCH! "
UNWARRAXT — YOUR
CtuUic (in for caddie competition). " WON MY MATCH AT THU THIRD 'OLH, SIR." Secretary. " WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
•THE OTHER CHAP WAS TWO UP ON ME, BUT '« 'S FELL INTO THE QUARRY POND AT TIIK THIRD AN* CAN'T GET OUT."
Secretary. "WHY DIDN'T YOC HELP HIM?" Caddie. " 'E SAID 'E 'D GO ON WITH THE MATCH IP I DID."
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
CHRISTMAS EVE SHOPPING.
Umbrella {or Aunt J«n«. All too •xf«n«tv«. but wif« remcmle.-j •T.e wentj one. Buj « it. Murt g«i coiMtning <l«« for Aunt.
Pi|i« for U«cl« G(or£«. Net on* I 'J cir« to g»v« kin. I w>nt «om« cigai .. Gtt tk««i. Somttktng cl«« {or UncU G<orgf.
Lilll* ktnd-bag for wife'* siAtr Kate. None tlie rignt colour. But tker« '• • Judy dreoing-oie. JolJ mounttj, wkiA wife llyi Alt murt k«v«. Wile i «i/Ver Kite murt wait.
HarolJ kfti broken Lt« m«Ai*. New on* {or kirn. None ty favourite Btik«r. I want .torn* goK-k*ll*. M«y •• well k«v« a bi^xei, Pcrkafs jomctkinjf clcc for Harold.
Swc<ti for goJ-AilJ. Rememter in ttm* *K« i* r*(ktr Liiiou*. \Vif« discover* new fondant. V«ry good. Ord.tr lome koxcs. Never done to kav* mida goJ-c3nl<l ill.
TuVi« well e;rr.eJ ie.ft. So ttrtag buying Gkrulmai {>r«s«rxt'. SuJ- d«aly remember kc.v«n't bougKt any. Never mind; makt upnext >«.r.
Punch's Almanackfor_1913.
PRIZE COMPETITION FOR A CINEMA PLAY.
(By our Youngest Competitor)
Bron&o Bill i. leaning .gain* kia Ut titlle knowing tk.t kia young lady. Clara, ia
wraffted « tkougkt-f.rk.fa tkinking of kurryin* aero,, tke Pra.r.. witk aom. egg>
!,„ J.-1 for kia krealfart from ker f atker a Nation.
. Bueltjumftng Ite. tk« Terror of Tex««,
M own Korse. " Ltgktntng," kaf keen uf wttk Rkevmmttem.
He iteali tier korie anJ tiei ker to • tree.
vli«re ake \a JificovereJ fcy Red Scirf. Ckie{ of tke JreaJeJ Mixzywii'guns.
But eovetkiag kae tol J Bill tktt lomeone ia in trouble, ao lie >rriv« in tke nicl of time •n<l laaioea Red Scuf.
Aa for Ike. lie il unerted for Horae-Aealing,
And gcta impnaoned for life.
ID gaol ke akowe rfmoree for wkat lie kci dose. (Ple«e Aow remorM of Bill u> •
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
SIR- HERBERT TREE
<JA li*/*
SOME PAULO-POST-FUTURIST IMPRESSIONS.
Punch's AlmanacK for 1913
THE ROMANCE OF ITALY.
(By our Special Peace Artist.)
Quito (at the Forum). " LADIES, AND YOU, Sins, IF YOU PLEASE ; YOU ABE NOW BEGABDINO! ZE MOS' WONDERFUL OBJECT ra BOMB I "
Fompeian Guide. "DERE, SAB! DAT is MOST BEAUTIFUL EXAMPLE OF ANCIENT ROMAN DRINK-BAB." Exhausted Sujldsccr. "On, ron A MODKBN AMERICAN ONE!"
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
THE ROMANCE OF ITALY.
(By our Special Peace Artist.)
iiM (wearily), "BAEDEKER BAYS THE PLACE is NOTED FOB THE DBYNESS OP ITS CLIMATE. MY WOBTHY GUIDE
IS THE FINEST VIEW IN THE WHOLE OF ITALY. THE VOLCANO WON'T EKUIT, AND I COULDN'T SKE IT IF IT DID.
Tourist at Taormina
TELLS ME THAT THIS
BUT, THANK HEAVEN, THERE 'S NO QOLF HEBE!"
IN CASE THE NATURAL BEAUTIES OF ITALY SHOULD NOT BE ENOUGH FOB YOU, THESE 13 ALWAYj HEB AlVT. THUS, NOBODY, ON APPROACHING SORRENTO, HAS ANY OCCASION TO BE DOWNHKABTED.
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
lie (carried away). "SEE THAT?" (No answer) "Now THEY'VE BOUND 'IM, THEY'LL GAG 'IM " — (No answer) — "so AS HE CAS'T BHOUT. SEE?" She (with great difficulty). " THEY OUGHT TO 'AVE SOME OF THIS TOFFEE OF YOURS TO GIVE "IM."
•00 ten!
")' "I »**, WOK HERE | THIS IS PRETTY PUTRID WHEN
7 "Mllc.Saireyannska
AHARAZADE
mmanuclkin
C ,
UANSE SYNTHETIQUE.
s
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ESjlUFFRAGI5TES- I.AscjuittjofF
Corps ic S
rnn
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
Hall Attendant (surprised into an audible whisper). " JE-HOSH-APHAT 1 " Reveller (indignantly). "NOTHING OF THE SORT — CHARLES THE SECOND. "
Elderly Spinster (ratlierdeaf). "LISTEN TO THE WAITS; AREN'T THEY BEAUTIFUL?"
Sarah. "SOUNDS TO MB LIKE THE OBPIN'TONS, Miss."
Elderly Spinster. "I DON'T CABE WHO THE GENTLEMEN ARE; TAKE THEM A SHILLING AND ASK THEM TO COME AGAIN.
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
MINCE MEAT.
(Hi/ our L'lwriniriely Artiste.) IN view of recent events in the Bal- kans, » clever statistician forecasts that on the 25th Decem- her next, 5,677,210 , British Household- crs will make aj reference at their Christmas dinner to; the cutting up of! Turkey, and of these 5,677,209 will im- agine that they are the only persons to whom the idea of this excellent jest has occurred.
We are sorry to notice that there is a certain amount of grumbling among ladies about the newest fashions in dresses. They are complaining that these are uncomfort- able, without being
indecent.
-.:= »
" I fancy," said the lady, approach- ing the Professor, " we have met be- fore." The Professor put on his glasses and had a good look at the lady. " Well, you may have, Madam," he said, "but I certainly have not."
The public are cautioned that pres; notices, when used to advertise books should sometimes be taken with a grain of salt. "This is one of the most childish productions we have ever come across," remarked a contem- porary in its review of a certain novel,
"James Smith, the author, must surely be Master James Smith." The book is now being boomed as follows :—" One of our leading newspapers hails the author of this novel as a Master."
•BUY YOUE RESIDENCE. LIBERAL ADVANCES
' GOT ANY 'BACCA ? "
'Now DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF ABOUT ME, MATE."
ON SHOP & HOUSE PROPERTY"
;-ays the advertisement of a Building - Society. While it is quite true that Lib- erals are advancing on property of every kind, it seems doubt- ful policy for the i Society in question i to draw attention to the fact.
^
The village wind- band was assembled on Boxing-Day for the final rehearsal before the Grand Concert. "Where be Bill Huggins?" asked the conductor. " 'E beain't quite the thing, zur," said a colleague. " Why, what 's the matter wi"im?" "Idoan't rightly know what 's the matter, zur, but we reckon as 'e's overblowed isself."
It is well that it should be pointed out that danger lurks in the saying that every mince- pie eaten before the New Year means a year of happiness. As often as not it means a jolly bad quarter of an hour. Indeed last year we heard of a youngster who attempted to make sure that he would become in due course a blithe cen- tenarian. He is with us no longer.
The Pluckiest Act J I Never Saw: — A Cabinet Minister kissing a Suffragette under the mistletoe.
A LADIES' man Eobert is not, Such casual manners he 's got ; But, though I can show Several strings to my bow, I love him the best of the lot.
Last night -we sat out at a dance, Peeling too sentimental to " Lanco," And I fancy ho guessed I should fall on his breast The moment he gave me the chance.
A CHECK IN THE MATING GAME.
So, a snub wouldn't hurt him a bit
(1 knew he was pretty hard hit),
And I quickly rehearsed
How I 'd fool him at first
And capitulate when I thought fit.
He proposed. I demurely said " No." He was silent a second or so, Then sighed (from relief, It seemed, rather than grief), And briskly responded "Bight-O."
And now I feel horribly small, My tears are beginning to fall,
For it 's evident I
Must eat humble pie Or never get Eobert at all.
Answer to "Smith Junior." - In reply to your enquiry, jour de Van is the French for New Year's Day : jour de I'dnc is the First of April.
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
Far and wide through Fairyland, Far along each fairy strand, Peter Pan, we heard you play, Heard your piping day by day, Till at last
Bid by yon Fast, so fast,
Back we flow- Like a flock of thistle-down — To this park of London Town.
Autumn 's here, but yet we sing (Dancing for you in a ring) ; Through the yellow leaves we run Which the wind brings for our fun ;
They are green To our eyes,
Crisp and clean ; And the skies,
Grey to Men, to us are blue—- Never any other hue.
Winter soon will come, but we Still will frolic 'neath each tree, Frolic where you "ve come to dwell. For our sakes, within this dell ; Cold or heat,
Sun or rain, Life is sweet,
For again—- So you tell us, Peter Pan.— We have won the love of Man.
//I
In the ages that are gone
Hyde Park, right to Kensington,
Sheltered fairies in its bowers
Built of brushwood, moss and flowers ;
Then Men turned Grim and sad.
No more yearned
To be glad
In the merry fairy way — Simple pleasures, simple play.
Drooped then every fairy head (Oh, what bitter tears were shed !), And the fairies vanished quite — Hushed the home of every sprite 1
Song-birds wept, Furred things too,
All that crept,
When they knew Why the London fairies fled — Faith in fairies' worth was dead 1
'But there's nothing more to fear, So you say, this happy year ; Mortals by your help have seen I All that fairies really mean- Healthy joys ^
To enfold Girls and boys.
Young and old — I So we thank you, Peter Pan — Peter — never grown a Man I
J tf
THE FAIRIES OF LONDON TO PETER PAN, 1912.
Punch's AlmanacK for 1913.
[It has been suggested that the vast army of unorganised labour in London streets should be taken over by a General Information vndicate. Badges aud bell-punches would be provided and a small fixed fee of, say, on:: halfpenny would be levied in all cases.]
"HEBE'S THE KERB, Sin."
"THIS IS YOUR HAT, MlSTEB."
" FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE, SlR, AND YOU WILL GET YOUR TICKET AT THE SMALL WINDOW ON THE LEFT."
' THAT 's WOT YOU SLIPPED ON, Sin, THAT BIT o' BANANA-PEEL.
"IN HEBE, MISS."
BRIDGE WEST."
YES, Sin. You WANT WATERLOO BRIDGE— NEXT
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
[An enterprising mnga/ino recently had :i story illustrated by drawings which were fushiou-platos in addition to being illustrativo of the text. Why not go further and insinuate lucrative advertisements?]
" SHE FLUNG THE RING ON THE GROUND AND TURNED SCORN- FULLY FROM HIM." (THE ABOVE DRAWING IS NOT ONLY At. ILLUSTRATION TO OUR GREAT SERIAL BTORY, BUT ALSO GIV«S A SMART TYPE OF COUNTRY SUIT FOR GOLFING AND OTHER OUTDOCU EXERCISES, FROM MESSRS. SNOOKER, JERMYN STREET, S.W. THE PRETTY AFTERNOON GOWN IS BY VF.RA OF CONDUIT STREET.)
" As THE CAR FLEW PAST A DARK FIGURE SPRANG FROM THK HEDGE WITH A LEVELLED REVOLVER." (THE CAR SHOWN 18 A SMALL-SIZED 75 H.P. GA8PABD — A HANDY, RELIABLE CAR FOB ALL PURPOSES ; THE REVOLVER BEING A SEMI-AUTOMATIC NORTHERN, PROCURABLE AT 201A, HAYMARKET.)
"'I WILL HAVE THK PAPERS,' HISSED LjEROUX." (WE CAS HIGHLY RECOMMEND THE ROLL-TOP DESK SHOWN IN THIS PICTURE. WHITE FOR CATALOGUE OF OFFICE "FURNITURE TO MESSRS. LIFIEY
AND LlFFEY, CllKAPSIDK.)
" SHE WAS DISCOVERED UNCONSCIOUS IN THE EARLY MORNING." (THE DELIGHTFUL BIJOU COTTAGE IN THE DISTANCE IS ONB O* THOSE SPECIALLY DESIGNED FOB THE Ll'SHINGHAM GARDEN ClTY
Co. PRICE £350 AS IT STANDS. TAKES ONLY 48 HOURS TO BUILD.)
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
JL JL befell tliat A ^rtaintTTlati
f«nt "fKcm out »
him »ina.!£rSk«tfffivetn« an
?I 6 . So he ae or;
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
ul to pay (or h* h^ Vol.
faf up » Arm ami tftrict
Owrur ncwiiff fl he. (oon
is to \?c(rie.n6 me.
Che took it ^ JtrAgfvtwgp 6«f»rT€6
a<J for fter to return fino fi«w»it«<5 bu
returned not »g».irt»
cou\6 60 nought more (or him. •
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
THE TRUTH ABOUT 1913.
FA Prophetic Almanack, Ciii.l,- and Vade-mecum for the approaching year; including Postal I Information Solar .Predictions Lunar culUtk,!.", Ti.lo Table, Antidotes for PouoBS, Notes on Etiquette and a Guide to the Best Times for Sowing and Planting, etc., etc.]
Occultations
IN tlio past Mr. Punch has often \\ished his readers a Happy New Yc:>r, but he has never felt so certain that happiness was within their grasp as to-day, when lie presents to them for the first time his Prophetic Almanack, (luido and Viide-mecum for 1913. With tin- aid of the almanack, his readers
TIIE SEEII.
can face the approaching year calmly; and if, in spite of the warnings of the stars, any catastrophe should come upon them unawares, the Tide Table, the Notes on Etiquette and the Anti- dotes for Poisons should be sufficient to indicate a way of escape. The Solar Predictions, the Wrages Table and the List of our Colonial Possessions are calculated to soothe those most in need of comfort, while the faint-hearted will take new courage when they read the Postal Information and the Table for Estimating Standing Crops. In short, it is Mr. Punch's belief that with the Prophetic Almanack and Guide for companion no one need fear any- thing from the approaching year of grace 1913.
It is just possible, however, that some may say, " On what does Mr. Punch rest his claim to fore- tell the future by the stars?" The question is a fair one. It can best be answered by recalling some of his
ASTROLOGICAL PROPHECIES
ALREADY FULFILLED. The sinking of the White Ship, for instance, was clearly foretold in Mr. Punch's Almanack for 1120 by the words "Saturn in the ninth in trine with Neptune suggests shipping troubles."
Our prediction of the battle of Agin- court in the Almanack for 1415 creah-d a tremendous sensation. Our actual \vurds were "Mars on the meridian denotes activity in military circles." I low fully tins was borne out by events which followed is known now to all the world.
"Deaths among legal dignitaries," said the Almanack for 1553, and, alas ! it was in that year that His Majesty KING EDWARD VI., the chief law-maker of England, passed away.
The Gunpowder Plot was definitely foretold by the words " Uranus on the cusp of the eleventh house threatens a warm autumn," which shows how seldom the stars can err in their mes- sages.
"Deaths from sickness" sufficiently indicated the Great Plague of London.
Many other prophecies have been fulfilled, such as " Scandal in Eeligious Circles (1567), " Deaths by Duelling " (1712), and "New Laws Passed" (1844).
Having established his claim to be in the confidence of the stars, Mr. Punch now proceeds to give his Prophetic Almanack, Guide and General Vade- mecum. He feels that he cannot make a better beginning than by presenting to the public his specially prepared
I.-POSTAL INFORMATION. Letters. — For the sum of one penny the Post Office undertakes to convey a letter weighing 4 ozs. or less to any legible address in the British Isles. In these days of telephones and motor-cars, however, 4 oz. letters are but rarely written ; at the end of 2 ozs. most of us find that we have said all that we want to say, and we do not grudge the Post- Office the little bit of extra profit. In some cases, of course, this profit is more than a little. It is, for instance, difficult
to send out an invitation of more than 15 drams, or to answer it in more than loz. and a quarter. On the same day to
'"A'PEXNY STAMP, PLEASE, MlSS."
THE GREAT LICENCE ANOMALY. N.B. : You WILL WANT A LICENCE FOB TIII:
SPOOK, BUT YOU CAN DECORATE YOUR SIIIIiT- FHOKT FOR NOTHING.
dispatch a dozen invitations of less than an ounce and only to receive one three and a half ounce letter from Sir ED- WARD DURNING-LAWBENCE gives one some idea of the prosperity of the General Post-Office.
Post Cards. — These are sold at the following rates : Thin, |r7. each ; Stout 1 for f d., 11 for 6d. To the recipient the adiposity of a post-card is, however, of less importance than the writing upon the side reserved for inland com- munications.
• Dog Licences. — A dog licence maybe purchased over the counter of the post-office for 7s. 6(7., the size of the dog being immaterial. Though it is illegal to keep a dog without a licence, there is nothing to prevent you keeping a licence without a dog. You have only to glim the document to your front gate and burglars will keep away.
Money by Post. — Money can be ssnt in an ordinary letter at the ordinary rates, whether in the form of a postal order or in solid cash. If the latter, the Post Office regulations require that it should be well wrapped up, and that the words " Key Only "
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
should bo written legibly on the front of the envelope.
Stock Exchange Dull.
II.— OUR CHIEF IMPERIAL POSSESSIONS.
NAMK.
In. hi
Iliiiimi.-r-mil Soho
Riyswntor liournevillo
HOW OBTAINED.
OODQUMt
Si-ttli-ineut Ann -Xiltion Annexed from
Italy Lt- isr from Not-
tini? Hill ' froTn
Nutivr-8
TITLE Of KI-I.KII.
Tin- Vi. •- T'I.V
'I In- 'ii.vri-tn.r Tin- M.-iyor Tin- Miiraroni
Tl c- Nut The Coconnut
Stock Exchange Dull.
HI.— WHAT A LANDLORD MAY NOT DO.
The relations between a landlord and his tenant are so important and yet so little understood that our readers will be glad to learn their exact status in the matter. A landlord may not
(1) Stroll in uninvited, about 8 P.M., and seat himself hungrily in his (or rather your) dining-room.
(2) Kick you down your (or rather his) front-door steps if you are late with the rent.
(3) Make disparaging remarks about your — that is, his — or, rather, the her- baceous boarder.
IV.— WHAT A TENANT MAY NOT DO. On the other hand, a tenant may not —
(1) Kick the landlord down the steps when he asks for the rent.
(2) Sell the house without the land- lord's permission.
V.— ECLIPSES DURING 1913.
There will be five eclipses in 1913 —
three partial eclipses of the Sun and
two total eclipses of the Moon. They
will, however, all be invisible at Green-
AN ECLIPSE OF THE MOON.
I. BEFORE USING OUR
SAFETY RAZOR.
II. An Ell.
wich ; unfortunately for the trades- people of that town, who generally make a large profit out of the rush of visitors to Greenwich when an eclipse
A LANDLORD MAY NOT DISCLAIM ALL RESPONSIBILITY FOR REPAIRS.
OFF TO SEE THE ECLIPSE AT GREENWICH.
is announced as being visible there. It will be possible, however, to observe them through a smoked glass in certain parts of the Pacific.
Total Eclipse of the Moon, March 22. This occurs in the first quarter (in advance) of Libra, and the fourth house. It indicates bad weather, and some deaths in Greenwich and elsewhere. The Stock Exchange will be depressed. (
Partial Eclipse of the Sun, April 6. This falls in the fifteenth decanate of Scorpio in the second house. (Two houses nightly.) It threatens grave danger of some- thing happening. The Stock Ex- change will ba distinctly flat.
Partial Eclipse of the Sun, August 31. Thin transpires in the eleventh cusp of Gemini in the third house on the left. It denotes change, together with a certain amount of stationariness. The Stock Exchange will be horribly dull.
Total Eclipse of the Moon, September 15.
This happens in the node of Cancer sideways. It points to events eventu- ating, or, in some cases, otherwise. The Stock Exchange will bo even more sluggish than usual.
Partial Eclipse of the Sun, September 30.
This falls out in the occultation of Aquarius. It foreshadows the passing of time and indicates the presence of weather. The Stock Exchange will bo absolutely torpid.
VI .-MOTTOES FCR THE YEAR.
A swarm of bees in Jan. Would surprise the average man.
February fills the dykes
With skidding cars and motor-bikes.
A peck of dust in March doth bring Contentment to a captive king. Well, well ; a pint of ale for me — Quot viri, tot sententia.
The cuckoo comes in April, Casts a clout in May, Coughs full soon on the first of Jims And sneezes all the day.
If only St. Swithin's is fine, then we Shall have one fine day in 1 — 9 — 1 — 3.
Drye Auguste and warme doth harvesto
noe harme ; Cold Auguste and wette is what wo
shall gette.
Geese have broken down and wept, All their finer nature shocked, At the thought of dying Sept. Merging into new-born Oct.
Complain to your Member
Of fogs in November ;
MERCURY RISES 6 A.M.'
Punch's AlmanacR for 1913.
If it's cold in December Complain to your Member; He 'II see to it ! Ijor' ! • It 's what Parliament 's for.
VII.— THE COMING YEAR. And now (lie Seer approaches the dread question, "What does 1913 hold in store for England ? " Here our ;u ( ist IMS depicted allegoric- ally the coming year. How shall we interpret it ? Ah !
In the left we see that the historic Houses of Parliament have been blown up by gun- powder. Does this in- dicate that a modem (IriDo FAI-X is plotting in our midst? Or merely that bitter dis- cussions will rend the House of Commons in twain? Let us hope the latter. 'Yet whatever happens we are glad to see England and Fi ance sitting in amity side by side; evidently the entente cordiale is to remain a feature of the coining year. But why does Capital (represented by the gentleman in the top hat) hold up the approaching train ? It almost seems that the motive power of 1913 is to be electricity.
But what do we see now ? Germany about to pull the tail of the sleeping lion ! Britain must wake up or she will become even as the snail — such evidently is the message of the stars. Meanwhile the Turk and the Christian (depicted by a silly mistake of the artist's as a Hindoo) are playing cards with Death as onlooker. This seems to foretell War in the Balkans at no distant date. But not only in the Near East will there be unrest, for China is on the warpath too, while in the background some naval affair appears to be in progress. Plainly this will be a depressed year for the Stock Exchange. Yet the Seer is not alto- gether despondent of the future. The position of John Bull in the centre of the picture in- dicates that it will be a good year for bade, while the drilling of civilians in the background may even bo a sign that at last we are beginning to take our responsibilities seriously and embark upon Universal Military Training. On the other hand it may indicate Civil War in Ireland. The stars and the
artist are point
not quite clear upon this
Finally we have the awful figure with drawn sword in hand hovering over the scene. What terrible calamity does this portend ? Socialism ? — the break- up of the Empire ? — a peerage for a well-known financier? — a scandal in high-life ? Or is it merely a fanciful creation of the artist's to give balance
position in the heavens. When the moon is not only full but also directly overhead it will- exert its maximum northward pull upon anything which you have planted. On the other hand, in the absence of a moon there is nothing whatever to drag the heads of your tulips above the soil, and for all your guests see of them they might never have been planted. Try this ex- periment and convince yourself of .the truth of this. Take a handful of walnuts and sow them ii ', the full of the moon in good moist soil. Sow another handful in the sa'iie soil on the wane of the moon. Will the second handful come up ? No.
"1913."
to the picture ? The stars — usually so communicative — have nothing to say upon this point. Let us leave this dire portent and fix our last thoughts in- stead upon the cow in the top right- hand comer. 1913 will be pre-eminently a good year for milk.
It is a relief to turn from these dread matters to more homely questions. The Seer cheerfully resumes his Guide and Vade-mecum with his long-awaited
VIII.— TIDE TABLE.
IIlCII TIDE AT SOI'THKND, APP.II, ]gl, 1913. Stock Exchange Dull.
DC— GUIDE TO THE BEST TIME FOR
PLANTING.
The influence of the moon on grow- ing plants is now generally recognised.
_jw J — ^"J *****vg**AOO**«
Ihe reason is that the moon exerts an attractive force which varies with its
Stock Exchange Dull.
X.— ANTIDOTES FOR POISONS.
Poisox. ANTIDOTE.
l.'ad Sulphuric Arid.
A'tiralc of Silver PlentyofSaJt
WiltlT. ' >
Oplutit. Stomach Primp.
fitciotdRhvbarl) Artificial tvspira- tton and bleeding. Red Ink Milk. . ,
It sometimes hap- pens, however, that the patient swallows the antidote first, and then there is nothing for it but to give him the poison. In the case, how- ever, of anyone who swallowed a stomach pump it would be useless to attempt to bring him round with opium.
Stock Exchange Dull.
XI.— A FEW HOUSEHOLD HINTS. To remove moth from a fur-coat, paint
the coat with a solution one part treacle and three parts brandy, and place it on the lawn at nightfall. An hour later, arm yourself with a bull's-eye lantern and a butterfly net and go out in pursuit of the moths — many hundreds of which will be found to have col- lected on the coat. When captured they should be placed in your killing bottle, and transferred at leisure afterwards to your collecting box. A boot or shoe that
pinches should be smacked and stood in
the corner until bed-time. This will
cure it of the habit.
To soften the head hold it in boiling
water for three hours every day. ; A disused compass cannot be put to
any other practicable use.
Stock Exchange Dull.
Punch's AlmanacK for 1913.
Lady. "I THINK YOU 'D BETTER GO TO ONE OP THE HOUSES AND ASK THEM WHEBE WE ABE?" Ca'iby. "Loa1 BLESS YEB, MUM, TBEY WON'T KNOW!"
XII.— PALMISTRY.
regular time - tables due break-downs on the line. d. Saturdays Only.
to
The art of palmistry, to which our ancestors attached considerable im- portance, is sufficiently explained in the above diagram. The seer is not re- sponsible for any departure from the
Stock Exchange Dull.
Mr. Punch now begs to take leave of his readers. Owing to pressure on space and the occultation of Aries upon Mer- cury, he has been compelled to withhold information on divers matters ; the following being among the sections omitted ; — Table for Estimating Stand- ing Crops.
What a Horse can do. Architecture. Etiquette of Mourning. How to make a Hundred at Billiards.
The Influence of the Stars on Modern Thought.
Growth of the National Debt.
Twelve Eules for Saving Life at Sea
and
Approximate Table for En- dowment Policies per £100 insured.
Nevertheless he is convinced that ho has added to the sum of human knowledge, and that he has ensured the happiness of his readers in the
coming year. With a final warning to Vegetarians, the Bald, and Players of
THE RlQHT TIME FOB PLANTING
(see SECT. IX.).
Badminton to beware the moath of February, tho Soer makes his bow. Vaktc ! A. A. M.
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
A l.KADIV; MOTOR JOURNAL 8CGOEBT8 THAT SOME SYSTEM OF SIGNALLING MIGHT BB ADOPTED AT IMPOKTANT POINTS ON OUR JIAIN THOROUGHFARES FOB THE BETTEB REGULATION OF TBAFFIC.
liR. PCKCa OFFEES A FANCY PICTURE OF HYDE PARK CORNER ABOUT THE YEAR 1019.
A CENTENARY OF PROGRESS.
(Trousers were first
A HUNDRED years ago. It is not mine To sing, as others of my species may,
Of some high beacon that arose to shine And dazzle future history. Truth to say,
Historical research is not my line, Nor do I need it. My superior lay
Thrills to no great fight won or great king born—
I sing the year when trousers first were worn.
Small chance, until this great refreshment came, Had any man. Whate'er his views might be,
The bifurcations on his nether frame
Ended too surely somewhere near the knee.
Whether he had a soul attuned to shame, Or one from such refinement nobly free,
He must betray, to women and to men,
His utmost self. 'Twas legs or nothing then.
But all was changed. And meagre man could hide
His spindly weakness from the vulgar's chaff, While even he who took a buxom pride
In the orbed turning of a conscious calf Saw a new comfort not to be denied
In this strange gear ; and, having come to laugh, .Remained to don, and won by slow degrees A nascent modesty with this new ease.
introduced a Imndred years ago.)
And thus it chanced that, where the spell was cast, Virtues beyond mere coyness grew apace —
For out of one come many — till at last A .wide urbanity assumed the place
Of the swashbuckling swagger of the past ;
The West grew kindlier ; and each trousered race,
Full of new worth, looks back, and finds it grow
From that great change, a hundred years ago.
And thou, 0 nameless One, that didst invent These gentle togs, to be for future days
A tool of Progress and an instrument
Of Peace, accept our full centennial praise.
Nor does the poet grudge the time he 's spent On this his ode (providing someone pays)
In memory of him who wrought this boon,
Which still endures, and shall not wither soon.
A hundred years. It seems how long to us ;
And yet what is it in the cosmic view ? A fleeting penn'orth on an pld-world 'bus ;
And we ourselves, how paltry and how new ! It would be well to shun vainglorious fuss,
And ponder, while these garments we indue, How, in the immemorial Eastern clime, Women have worn them from the birth of Time.
DUM-DUM.
Punch's Almanack for 1913.
FANCY AND FACT.
(The Dangers of Hunting.)
AS GATUEIIED BY NOX-HUNTINO WIVES FROM THE AFTER-DINNER CONVERSATION OF SPORTSMEN.
AS MUCH MORE OFTEN OBSERVED.
-
Punch's AlmanacK for 1913.
VI
JANUARY 1, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
PAVING STONES FOR - — .
THIS year I am going to be very circumspect and sensible. I have made ;up my mind to leave off many old habits. Let us not speak of " good reso- lutions," because they carry breakage with them ; let us call them wise resolves and give them a chance; or we might go even farther and call them hopeless endeavours, and then perhaps much would result, for this is a world of surprises. '
My first resolve will be to get in first with the phrase, " A happy New Year." I have never done this yet; it has al ways -been left to me to mako the trite rejoinder, " Same to you, and many nf thorn." But this year I will be first.
I will give up being imitative and secondary in other ways, too. I will be more original. I will make a start by taking Yorkshire pudding with mutton.
I will get up earlier.
I will be punctual for breakfast.
I will remember that champagne doesn't always agree with me.
I shall, of course, go on playing golf every day of the year, because I' believe that only thus can England maintain her greatness ; but I hereby resolve to have more pity on those who do not play it and never talk of the game in their company.
• I will read a chapter of some good author every night before going to sleep.
I noticed now and then in 1912 a tendency on the part of my friends to tell me the same story twice or even thrice. This is a serious danger and I must myself be on guard against it. I have therefore bought a little Where is it ? and have written the names of the best stories in my repertory on the top of each page. This year I mean to
write underneath them the names of all the persons to whom I tell them, and thus I can avoid repetition.
I will weed out and send back all the books I have borrowed. I will send round a note asking for mine.
I will never lend any more books.
I will be stronger. I will withhold tips from waiters, taxi-drivers and so forth who have not been attentive and capable. I will tip only the deserving.
I will make that long-deferred list of the things I want in my bag, and so for ever cease to forget the strop.
I will answer letters the same day.
P.S.— I don't think.
" Messrs. have discovered a Van dj
Velde painting in making a valuation for insurance, and have privately disposed of it lor nearly £1,000."— Daily Mirror.
But oughtn't they to have told the owner about it ?
\ n 1 . . 1 X I . I V .
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI^
[JANUAHY 1, 1913.
CHARIVARIA.
• IT was interesting to note that, when the newspapers reappeared on Boxing Day, after their Christinas holiday, the news had also played the game. There was none. $ *
3
" A CHRISTMAS GABLAND. Woven by Max Beerbohm (2nd Imp)." Thus an advertisement. We don't know who is playing First Imp, but he must be a very clever man. ^ ^ *
The rank of Captain having been bestowed on the Elder Brethren of Trinity House, Mr. ASQUITH is now entitled to that appellation. To avoid misconception as to their relative posi- tions, Mr. REDMOND, it is said, intends to insist on being made a Major.
S: :;:
A play by Lady LEVEB, entitled The Insurance Act, was performed the other night at the North Camberwell Eadical Club. From the title we imagine the play to be a comedy.
* * *
In the new issue of the Post Office Directory a Birch Rod Maker advertises his abode, and he is said to be annoyed with one of the daily papers for draw- ing attention to the fact. Crowds of small boys, according to our informa- tion, are threatening to surround the house, and police protection may be inecessary. ... ...
i We are sorry to hear that, as a result 6f over one million persons having visited the Zoo this year, some of the inmates are showing signs of conceit. The Wart Hog is said to have petitioned for a looking-glass.
* •:••
At Corbeil, France, last week, in the course of a trial, the judge boxed the ears of counsel. This is .very seldom done over here, where our judges have other methods of raising "laughter in court." ,.. ...
*^
The Standard published as a supple- ment the other day : —
" ITALY Edited by Reginald Harris. ' '
Look out shortly for : — •
. TURKEY ; Edited by the Conference of London.
:-
From New York comes the news that the Copper King has been divorced. These scandals in royal families are becoming too frequent. *J*
"The claims of the married blue- jacket for better treatment," says The Express, "are discussed in ' O.H.M.S.' "
We trust that Bailors' wives, whom we had never suspected of peculiar asperity,
will take note of this.
-.;: ••'.•-
"There are evidences," says Mr. FREDERICK ENOCH, " which show that caterpillars have profound intellects." It seems a pity that they sbould after- wards be content with a mere butterfly existence. ,.; ..;;
A scarcity of cows is reported from some parts of the country. It is thought that this may lead to the motor- bus companies once more devoting their attention to the evolution of a satisfac- tory cow-catcher.
Some individuals at Hanover, who call themselves Terraphages, have pledged themselves to eat nothing but earth. Now that the motor traffic so frequently makes us bite the dust, the accomplishment seems scarcely worth making so much fuss about.
* '
" Alvin Hornberger, who was wanted for passing forged notes, was traced by the marks of his false teeth in an unfinished cheese -sandwich." Guess where this happened. " America ? " Right!
CHARACTER -AND -DESTINY CHATS.
By SYBIL.
" ROSEBUD." — Dear little eighteen- year-old City Typist, yours is the sunny nature for which a sunny future seems assured. I have nothing but good news for you. If all be well, you will be very happy. The crystal tells me that at no very distant date your fate seems likely to be linked with that of another, but as to whether that other is the fair, curly-haired young man who travels with you every morning by the Shepherd's Bush Tube, or the dark young man who chatted with you on the top of a motor-bus, Isis is silent. (Would you like me to consult the Black Bowl of Buddha on this point? For this, with the extra psychic force required, I should have to charge £1 10s.)
" PHCEBE." — He may be all you think him, or even all you think you think him. Go bravely forward. When the clouds roll away from your horizon, the sky will be clear. The lock of hair you send lias had a stain applied to it and has been acquainted with a well- known curler, all of which shows you to be of a hopeful, courageous disposi- tion, determined to make the best of things. If there were more such women as you, there would be fewer of other kinds ! (My fee for an ordinary reading is £1 Is., not £1.)
" PREVIOUS EXISTENCE." — Yes, cer- tainly I can, after some little concen- tration and preparation, take you back through all your previous incarnations. The fee is progressive, starting at £1 Is., and doubling with each previous individuation. (From what I can sense, through your letter and the lock of hair, I should say some of your former existences have been of a thrilling and extraordinary kind !)
" ANXIOUS." — I have looked into your future with special reference to the letter you would be so glad to receive. Yes, I have seen a letter for you, but as the flap of the envelope was towards me, I cannot say what sort of hand the address was written in.
" LOBNA." — You are apparently quite justified in all you think of yourself. You seem indeed to have every gift, physical and mental. Use your powers of fascination gently. Do not break hearts and desolate lives. Your hand- writing is very characteristic and dis- tinctive (there are two p's in appear), and the lock of hair is of the rarest shade of chestnut. For such a subject as yourself, to whom a singular, per- haps dazzling, destiny seems coming, the crystal and even the Black Bowl of Buddha are scarcely adequate. You had better let me consult the stars. (My fee for this, taking into considera- tion the strain on the eyes and on the psychic faculties and the risk of taking cold, is £2 2s.).
"AMBITIOUS." — There can be no doubt that you are fitted for something even higher than to be a social leader in the Garden Suburb, Popplewell Green. You wish to know if in the coming time you will realise your ambition and " get into really good society." I have looked into the golden mists of your future, and I have seen faintly adum- brated the form of a woman robed in satin and adorned with gems receiving crowds of well-dressed and evidently high-born guests; but whether that woman is yourself, time alone will show! (All postal orders sent me should be crossed.)
" JUST A LARK." — You say, in your own deplorable phrase, that you were " getting at " me, that all your state- ments were false, and that the lock of hair sent was cut from a pet dog. Such conduct is beneath contempt. Since receiving this second communi- cation I have again looked into your future. I should be sorry to tell even such a person as you what I have seen.
"INQUISITIVE." — No, I know nothing of the methods of Rooli-Tooti-Lal, the Indian mystic, whose Psychic Parlour in Edgware Road was closed by the police.
PUNCH. OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JANUARY I, 1913.
BY FAVOUK OF THE ENEMY.
CAPTAIN ASQUITH (observing from battlements a difference of opinion in the ranks of Hie besieging army). IF THIS GOES ON WE OUGHT TO HAVE A CHANCE OP BE-VICTUALLING."
JANUARY 1, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
CLARIFYING COMMENTS.
By TIBERIUS MUDD. I MUST offer my heartiest con- gratulations to The, Skittish Weekly on its 2,000th number. The proprietors of this admirable journal have always been true to the main aim they set before themselves at the outset — to combine spirituality with "snap," the higher criticism with the personal note. Amongst those who at one time or another have enriched its pages by their contributions are Lord Soper, Sir Jenery Bunn, Sir Gulliver Stodge, the Rev. Dr. Inigo Slobb, the Countess Schunck, Mrs. Chillingham Cattley, and Professor Folsoin Ould, whose "one minute sertnonettes " have been such an alluring item in The Skittish Weekly for the last few years. I rejoice to think that the unimpaired vitality of this splendid periodical will be mani- fested in a number of new and un- precedented features during the forth- coming year, notably comic obituary notices of authors who are still alive ; accounts of the wardrobes of Dr. JOHNSON, COLERIDGE, KEATS, G. B. SHAW and JOHN GALSWORTHY ; and a series of autobiographical sketches under the attractive caption, " How I got my Peerage."
Great interest is excited by the an- nouncement of the impending publica- tion of a new religious weekly paper to be called Balm. The new venture, which will be published by the Din- widdies, will cater not only for the spiritual but the literary needs of members of the Free Churches and will be edited by the Rev. Chadwick Bandman, pastor of Zion Church, Stoke-under-Ham. Mr. Bandman, who was recently presented with a roller-top desk and a complete canteen of cutlery and silver by his congregation on the occasion of his marriage to Miss Hephzibah Muxloe, daughter of Dr. Minsey Muxloe, is a richly persuasive preacher. Not long ago, while attend- ing Zion Church, I saw the wife of a Cabinet Minister in a front pew, wear- ing the most beautiful furs, and irre- proachably gowned in other respects.
I have been considerably impressed by the brilliancy of recent issues of The Bludgeon. For some time past one felt that literature was suffering from the unduly lax and conciliatory tone adopted by our leading journals in their literary criticisms. This tendency has found an admirable corrective in the splendid articles of the editor, Mr. Ixie Dipsett, who now intends to add a new feature to his paper under the arresting title of " The Gibbet," where " the
^
Lady (to Messrs. Cook's official). "I HAVE NOTHING TO DECLARE. WHAT SHALL I BAY?" Official. "SAY, MADAM, THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DECLABE." Lady. "YES; BUT SUPPOSE THEY FIND SOMETHING?"
worst book of the week " will be faith- fully dealt with. I understand that the staff of the paper has recently been reinforced by the accession of that trenchant young publicist, Mr. Under- wood Cutts, whom I recently had the pleasure of meeting at the hospitable board of my old friend, Dr. Doyly Springett. Mr. Cutts's novel, Lethal Love, published by the Dodders, is certainly a very startling work. I hear that the CHANCELLOR OP THE EX- CHEQUER read it through at a sitting on a recent week-end visit to Criccieth.
The weekly prize of 5s., or a copy of the Rev. Offley Bolsover's Soul Food, for the best paragraph contributed to this column, has been awarded to the author of the communication relating to Balm. For the ensuing week the prize will be awarded to the writer of the ten best rhymes on the model of the head-lines in a recent number of The Pall Mall Gazette : " Can you name a
Kitten? By Wilfred Whitten." As examples for the use of competitors I give "The Outrage in Delhi. By MARIE COHELLI " ; " Chatter about Jane Porter. By C. K. SHORTER"; and "Are Dis- senters Fickle? By Sir ROBERTSON NICOLL."
I cannot better close this week's Comments than by printing a letter handed on to me by the Editor.
TIBERIUS MUDD.
DEAR SIR, — It is with the most un- feigned delight that I see we are going to have a serial by Tiberius Mudd, entitled " The Cure of Souls." If there is an author whose works I admire it is he. They are so clean, soul-shaking and winsome.
Yours faithfully, X. Y. Z.
What to do with our Bishops.
" Bishop of St. John is Concentrated." Manitoba Free Press.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 1, 1913.
MORE SUCCESSFUL LIVES.
VI. — THE COLLECTOR. WHEN Peter Plimsoll, tho Glue King, died, his parting advice to his sons tc stick to the business was follows only by John, the elder. Adrian, the younger, had a soul above adhesion He disposed of his share in the concern and settled down to follow the life of a gentleman of taste and culture ant (more particularly) patron of the arts Ho began in a modest way by collect- ing ink-pots. His range at first wa, catholic, and it was not until he had acquired a hundred and forty-seven ink-pots of various designs that he decided to make a speciality of historic ones. This decision was hastened by the discovery that one of QUEEN ELIZABETH'S inkstands — supposed (by the owner) to be the identical one with whose aid she wrote her last letter to BALEIGH — was about to be put on the market. At some expense Adrian ob- tained an introduction, through a third party, to the owner; at more expense the owner obtained, through the same gentleman, an introduction to Adrian ; and in less than a month the great Elizabeth Ink-pot was safely esta- blished in Adrian's house. It was the beginning of the " Plimsoll Collection.
This was twenty years ago. Let us to-day take a walk through the gal- leries of Mr. Adrian Plimsoll's charming residence, which, as the world knows, overlooks the pirk. Any friend of mine is always welcome at Number Fifteen. We will start with the North Gallery ; I fear that I shall only have time to point out a few of the choicest gems.
This is a Pontesiori sword of the thirteenth century — the only example of the master's art without any notches. On the left is a Capricci comfit-box. If you have never heard of Capricci, you oughtn't to come to a house like this.
Here we have before us the historic de Montigny topaz. Ask your little boy to tell you about it.
In the East Gallery, of course, the chief treasure is the Santo di Santo amulet, described so minutely in his Vindicia Veritatis by John of Flanders. The original MS. of this book is in the South Gallery. You must glance at it when we get there. It will save you the trouble of ordering a copy from your library ; they would be sure to keep you waiting. . . .
With some such words as these I lead my friends round Number Fifteen. The many treasures in the private parts of the house I may not show, of course ; the bathroom, for instance, in which hangs the finest collection of portraits of philatelists that Europe can boast.
You must spend a night with Adrian to be admitted to their company; and, as one of the elect, I can assure you tha nothing can be more stimulating on a winter's morning than to catch the eye of Frisby Dranger, F.Pli.S., behinc" the taps as your head first emerges from the icy waters.
-:;• •::• -::- -"• -"•
Adrian Plimsoll sat at breakfast, sip ping his hot water and crumbling a dry biscuit. A light was in his eye, a flush upon his pallid countenance. He had just heard from a trusty agent that the Scutori breast-plate had been seen in Devonshire. His car was ready to take him to the station.
But alas ! a disappointment awaited him. On close examination the breast- plate turned out to be acommon Risoldo of inferior working. Adrian left the house in disgust and started on his seven-mile walk back to the station. To complete his misery a sudden storm came on. Cursing alternately his agent and Eisoldo, he made his way to a cottage and asked for shelter.
An old woman greeted him civilly and bade him come in.
" If I may just wait till the storm is over," said Adrian, and he sat down in her parlour and looked appraisingly (as was his habit) round the room. The grandfather clock in the corner was genuine, but he was beyond grandfather clocks. There was nothing else of any value : three china dogs and some odd trinkets on the chimney-piece ; a print or two
Stay ! What was that behind the youngest dog ?
" May I look at that old bracelet ? " lie asked, his voice trembling a little ; and without waiting for permission he walked over and took up the circle of iarnished metal in his hands. As he sxamined it his colour came and went, nis heart seemed to stop beating. With a .tremendous effort he composed him- self and returned to his chair.
It was the Emperor's Bracelet !
Of course you know the history of this most famous of all bracelets. Made !>y SPURIUS QUINTUS of Eome in 47 B.C., it was given by C.ESAH to CLEO- PATRA, who tried without success to dissolve it in vinegar. Eeturning to Eome by way of ANTONY, it was worn at a minor conflagration by NEKO, after which it was lost sight of for many centuries. It was eventually heard of during the reign of CANUTE (or KNUT, as his admirers called him) ; and JOHN s known to have lost it in the Wash, whence it was recovered a century after- wards. It must have travelled thence .o France, for it was seen once in the wssession of Louis XL; and from there o Spain, for PHILIP THE HANDSOME
presented it to JOANNA on her wedding day. COLUMHUS took it to America, but fortunately brought it back again ; PKTKR THE GREAT threw it at an in- different musician ; on one of its later visits to England POPE wrote a couplet to it. And the most astonishing tiling in its whole history was that now for more than a hundred years it had vanished completely. To turn up again in a little Devonshire cottage ! Verily truth is stranger than fiction.
" That 's rather a curious bracelet of yours, "said Adrian casually. "My — er — wife has one just like it which she asked me to match. Is it an old friend, or would you care to sell it ? "
" My mother gave it me," said the old woman, " and she had it from hers. I don't know no further than that. I didn't mean to sell it, but —
" Quite right," said Adrian, " and, after all, I can easily get another."
" But I won't say a bit of money wouldn't be useful. What would you think a fair price, Sir ? Five shillings ? "
Adrian's heart jumped. To get the Emperor's bracelet for five shillings !
But the spirit of the collector rose up strong within him. He laughed kindly.
" My good woman," he said, " they iurn out bracelets like that in Birming- ham at two shillings apiece. And quite new. I '11 give you tenpence."
"Make it one - and - sixpence," she pleaded. " Times are hard."
Adrian reflected. He was not, strictly speaking, impoverished. He could afford one-and-sixpence.
" One-and-tuppence," he said.
" No, no, one-and-sixpence," she re- peated obstinately.
Adrian reflected again. After all, he could always sell it for ten thousand pounds, if the worst came to the worst.
" Well, well," he sighed. " One-and- sixpence let it be."
fie counted out the money carefully. Then, putting the precious bracelet in lis pocket, he rose to go.
Adrian has no relations living now. When he dies he proposes to leave ;he Plimsoll Collection to the nation, laving — as far as he can foresee — no )articular use for it in the next world. This is really very generous of him, and no doubt, when the time comes, the papers will say so. But it is a pity that cannot be appreciated properly in lis lifetime. Personally I should like
see him knighted. A. A. M.
Wanted from 3 to 500 acres of land for hooting." — Adrt. in "East Anglian Times."
Je should get the three acres anyway. 'Three acres and a pheasant" is the birthright of every British sportsman.
JANUARY 1, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
Energetic Mother. "WHAT A LAZY EON I "
Honald. "On, I BAY, REALLY, MOTHEB! HANO IT ALL I CAN'T A FELLOW LIE ON THE SOFA FOB TEN MINUTES WITHOUT BEING SWORN AT?"
TO THE LOANERS OF LIGHT.
(A New Year Thanksgiving.)
NOT to him, to the lord of the lyre, to Apollo, Who leers at me faintly from under a hood,
Do I turn me this morning. A reed that is hollow ! I spurn, I renounce him. (Did someone say " Good ? "
You are tired of Apollo, the praise of his mercies, The roll of his titles ? You can't see the need
Of these lengthy preambles '? You think to be terse is —
Dash it all, my good Sir, am I writing these verses Or are you ?) To proceed : —
1 was saying that not to Apollo the master, I turn on this opening morn of the year;
lie hath crumbled away like an idol of plaster,
He hath hardly been with ino since August was here ;
Not to him did I owe it to light or to warm me As up to Parnassus I measured my pace
Through the wan Autumn days, unremittingly stormy,
13ut the Borough ; I 've just had their note to inform me That this was the case.
Very godlike and fair are the ways of the Borough, They dip not in ocean their westering feet,
But the bard is dependent on them for a thorough Supply of illuminant, also of heat;
If I sang you a song that you fancied was sweeter Than others, dear reader, they swelled the perfume ;
It was they who inspired and inspected the meter,
It was they who installed the electrical heater That stands in my room.
0 star that lay hidden undreamt of for seons ! O fire that the breadth of a city can span !
0 power that was puffed not aforetime with paeans, Whoso prophet and priest is the Council's young man !
He tells how the currents, in flashes of blue knit,
Have lighted the minstrel in hours that are gone, When he comes to that box with a lever to tune it, And, although I can't think what he means by a unit, I never let on.
No oracles now have the drinkers of nectar
Who rest on the rainless Olympian hill, But the Borough repeatedly send their inspector
(Who flirts with Elizabeth), also their bill ;
1 turn to them, therefore, their kindliness wooing, And thanking them much for their boon of the past,
With a prayer that the same which I purpose renewing May cost me much less for the quarter ensuing
Tban it did for the last. EVOE.
"Windows with Guards can be loft open at all times giving a healthy, sanitary condition, at the same time perfect security against Burglars or children falling out." — Adi:t.
We should hate to think of a burglar falling out of our window and hurting himself.
Thoughts on Christmas Day, 1912. Why doss an air of peace and pure goodwill
Breathe o'er the turkey, lap the brandied plum, Like to a Sabbath morn's, but milder still ?
Because to-day the Party Press is dumb !
For the passing of a Damp Tear. Wring out the Old, ring in the New.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 1, 1913.
GREEN JEALOUSY.
MY appetite for tea had been miser ably spoilt by my having to listen t the virtues of a model young ma whom Josephine and her mother ha come across at a bazaar.
Before such excellence I was cowec into silence. However, tea at las came to an end, and her mother will exemplary tact had found an excuse t withdraw.
" I will leave my little girl to amuse you," she said archly, at the door.
" If you promise not to tell," I sai( to mother's little girl as I returned to the fireplace, " I '11 have that last pieo of brown bread-and-butter, and you can have another cup of tea. Shal wo?"
" Well, perhaps I will have just hal a cup."
" That makes your fourth," I re minded her. " To-morrow you '11 come out in spots and your complexion wil be ruined. Now it 's your turn to amuse," I added. " Come, amuse me I 'm waiting, Josephine. You hearc what your mother said. You know you 're not amusing me properly."
But in the end it was bound to come to it ; I had to provide my own enter- tainment.
"The other night I went to the Maxwells'," I observed carelessly, settling back in my chair. Josephine paused with her cup half-way to her mouth and looked up in surprise.
" Why, I thought you never went to dances," she said.
" I don't, as a rule." I slipped down in the chair, prepared to enjoy myself, and, crossing my legs, gazed wistfully up at the ceiling. "It was a very nice dance," I added. " Won't you drink up your tea ? " Josephine buried her face in it, and for a while silence ensued. " A very nice dance, indeed," I repeated, partly to myself. " Let me put down your cup for you ! "
"Thanks, I can manage." From the corner of my eye I watched her pick up a crumb she was nursing and carefully put it into the fire. "So you enjoyed yourself?" she said, still intent on the crumbs.
"I couldn't very well help it," I replied ; " I had an adventure. No, I didn't tread on anyone's frock 'or upset the sandwiches, if that 'a what you 're thinking of. Oh, dear, no ! "
Nothing so conventional, I sup- pose," she murmured, — " that is for you."
" There was one beautiful young girl in particular," I went on affably, " who took a great fancy to mo. The daring way she— Well, I 'm sure people must have noticed. Dear little girl ! "
— and I wafted an airy kiss at th ceiling.
" Perhaps your tie wasn't straight ? she suggested.
" No, it wasn't that. And thor were no smuts on my nose, and no on had been chalking things on my back I especially asked Henry, to make sure Ho said it was clearly a case. That ' what your own brother Henry said."
" I don't believe it," said Josephii
in
simply.
" No, neither did I, at first. Come bo a sportsman, Josephine! Don' grudge me my little triumphs ! Shal I show you how I smiled at her? "
I showed her. She broke into a loud inconsequent peal of laughter, bu I took out my cigarette-case and waitec patiently for it to subside.
" This isn't a smoking-compartmen
-at least, it doesn't say so on the window, but may I ? Have one, too ? No, not that one ; he 's put his fool through his nightshirt . . . his little bedfellow on the right."
I lit a match for her, and lapsec again into silence, musing and lazily blowing smoke rings at the shepherdes on the mantelpiece.
" She has beautiful dreamy brown eyes," I resumed, tenderly stroking my chin. " Her name 's Winnie, short for Winifred, you know — little Winnie."
" How nice! " said Josephine. Jose- phine's eyes are blue.
" Yes, she was," I agreed ; " you 'd be surprised. Give me brown eyes, say I, for the winter months, at any rate.
And as for her complexion "Words
'ailed me for describing her complexion. ' Oh yes, and she has beautiful rich chestnut hair. Eolls and rolls of it."
"Beally," said Josephine. Jose- >hine's hair is a summer complete in tself.
" Yes, I 'm very fond of that-coloured aair. What a pity you don't take nore care of your complexion 1 I did ell you her name, didn't I? Pretty lame, Winifred."
I rolled it round on my tongue everal times, to get the full flavour of t. The "fred " begins to sound rather unny at the ninth or tenth time of aying. Then I added my surname, o see how it sounded with that. The prnbination was distinctly melodious, ickling the ear.
" Now let us dip into the future," I aid, when I was tired of repeating it.
I dipped into the future by taking ut an old envelope, writing our two ames on the back of it, and crossing ut the letters common to both. I uietly handed her the answer.
" There you are. Love on both
Why, what on earth 's the matter, osephine ? "
There was a suspicious noise in he throat, she had her hands to her eyes and her cigarette had fallen to th< floor. Poor jealous Josephine ! It was that bit about the hair that did it ; sb is very proud of her hair. I got up in alarm and went over to her, but her hands resisted my efforts to remove them.
" Forgive me, Josephine ! " I whis pered penitently. " I was a brute, and I was only teasing you, and there isn't a Winifred at all, or — or anyone, didn't mean to ... at least, I did, but I didn't think you . . . For Heaven's sake, don't cry /"
At that she looked up indignantlyt with one eye, however, still hermetically closed.
" I wasn't crying," she said, " it was ihe smoke. It — it went the wro; way. And, anyhow, I knew the wasn't a Winifred." So she said.
I think I did it rather well.
PET!
[" . . .be there, love ! " " Yes, pet ! ' '—Frag- nent of conversation accidentally overheard on he Telephone.]
?ORGIVE my 'phone's unwitting lapse, Or operator's joke, perhaps,
In wafting me this snippet ! The wires, no doubt, were fused or
crossed, And tantalizingly was lost
The rest that left your lip, Pet.
3ut on a fairly recent date It seemed a tea and tete-a-tete
Were topics " on the carpet ; " )on't be alarmed — I'll play the game— T didn't catch your caller's name, And don't know who you are, Pet !
Did walls had ears — in modern use 'hey 've voices, too, which reproduce Your chatter like a trumpet ; lavesdropping as I didn't ought, had to interrupt — I thought I couldn't well be dumb, Pet.
io have no fear — I know no more )f what you planned than Adam, or
A Punch-and- Judy's puppet ; nd at the appointed trysting-place Much as I 'd like to see your face)
For one, I shan't turn up, Pet.
y wanderjahr is o'er — I roam
o longer now, but stick at home
And emulate the limpet ; for do I move in circles where They call one " pet " — I shouldn't care
To clash at all with him, Pet !
jet other " numbers " bill and coo nd fatuously whisper through : — " My love, my duck, my poppet ! "
bus'ness with the telephone s in a far more peevish tone — There let the matter drop, Pet !
ZIG-ZAG.
JANUARY l. 1913.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS.
SHOULD THEY BE MADE TO BE BROKEN? IT 1>UPKSI>S KNT1UI.I.Y ON Till: WlfK CHOICE OP ONI'.'S RESOLUTIONS.
GENERAL SIB THOMAS GOBOEB, PEELING THAT ENGLAND is, LADY THUMPINOTON, DISAPPKOVINO OF THE TENDENCY OF
011 SHOULD BE, FOB THE ENGLISH, RESOLVES TO ABSTAIN FBOM PEOPLE WITH INADEQUATE INCOMES TO PLAY AUC
PATBONIZING EIGHTEEN-PENNY SOHO BESTAUBANTS. TO REFUSE, FOB THE FUTURE, TO PLAY FOB LESS THAN HALF-A-
CBOWN A HUNDRED.
MlSS L.OVALL, TO CURB HER MERCENARY INCLINATIONS, DECIDES AND CAPTAIN KEMPTON RESOLVES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AKD
THAT DURING 1913 SHE WILL FLIRT WITH ANY NICE-LOOKING MAN, GIVE ONE TO HIS FRIENDS, ENTIRELY DISREGARDING THK PURELY
IRRESPECTIVE OF WHAT HIS INCOME HAPPENS TO BE. PEBSONAL DISCOMFORT OF GETTING. INTO DEBT.
10
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 1, 1913.
HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL."
Arclilt. "TBTS is THE LIMIT; I'M GOING." Reggie. "WAIT HALF A JIIT; H3 IIAT BCIW HIMSELF."
THE SONGSHOP.
THE prospectus of the Songshop, an institution which is shortly to be opened in the heart of Bloomsbury, under the aegis of the Songsmiths' Friendly Society and in close connection with The Minstrels' Magazine, has just reached us and calls for immediate and sympathetic notice.
The advantages of maintaining a periodical in connection with a Songshop are convincingly driven home in the prospectus. In The Minstrels' Magazine they will recommend the public what to read ; in the Songshop they will sell them what they have recommended.
More than that, however, they are prepared to afford special facilities to those anxious to study the art of lyrical expression under the most favourable conditions. The premises being most extensive, rooms will be let at a moder- ate rate to meritorious minstrels. These will be known as Nests and will be equipped with all the necessary imple- ments of inspiration — hammocks to provide that gentle motion which is so essential to metrical utterance ; paper of different vivid colours to fit the chequered emotions of the singer;
Pierian fountain pens ; spring mat- tresses for spring poets ; and a constant supply of light and phosphorescent refreshment.
The songs of nightingales, larks, cuckoos, and other birds associated with poetic stimulus will be reproduced faithfully on the gramophone.
Tenants of the Nests will not be under any compulsion to produce a fixed number of lines every day, but they will naturally be expected to throw in their lot with those who are en- deavouring to enlarge the borders of true art. 'ihe art of the Songshop will have nothing to say to sterile formalism, empty rhetoric, jingling rhymes or flat heavy blank-verse. Yet the line must be drawn somewhere ; " formlessness i is only permissible when it is absolutely necessaiy," and the Songsmiths "will uphold a positive distinction between prose and verse."
Lord AVEBUBY, who, according to The Sunday Times, is a contributor to the January number of The Poetry Review, has permanently engaged one of the largest Nests, which is built in the form of a Beehive, where it is ex- pected that he will shortly make things IHIIII. The cuisine of the Songshop
will be under his special charge, and he has already made a metrical list of the Hundred Best Cooks, headed with the motto, " The hand that holds the ladle rules the world." Mr.HEHBERT TRENCH, the author of the famous Illuminated Symphony, who has repeatedly been pronounced by some of the most gifted press agents to be the greatest living poet, will be attached to the institution as Polychromatic Adviser, and Mr. PARIS SINGEK, Mr. WILKIE BARD, Mrs. ORMISTON CHANT and Mr. HENRY BIRD will, it is hoped, form a House Com- mittee, whose special duty will be to watch over the warblers and, when nscessary, extricate them from pre- carious metrical positions.
"Of course, much of the interest which invested last Saturday's local Agamemnon was of a partisan character." — Sporting Mail. Unfortunately the local Armageddon, who plays full-back, was absent.
From an Osborne Cadet's examin- ation paper : —
" Q. Explain the geographical position and importance of Simla.
".4. Simla is the place where all the no- torious people of India go when Calcutta gets too hot for them."
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JANUARY 1, 1913.
A TANGLED SKEIN.
THE NEW YEAR. "I RAY, AUNT EUROPA, YOU HAVE GOT THIS THING INTO A MUDDLE. IT 'LL- TAKE US ALL OUR TIME TO GET IT RIGHT."
JANUARY 1, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
13
YEB
Pat (to traveller staying at Irish inn who has rung at 7 a.m. for hot water). "
HONOUR, BUT I HAVE IT HEBE, AN* THE LBMON8 AN1 SUGAR, TOO."
SUBE, 'TIS A THBIFLE EABLY FOB THB HOT WATHEB,
SNAPDRAGON.
LONG ago, long ago in the land of Shan-tung,
When the world was attractive and magic and young,
Mid the mild pterodactyls the Snapdragon slew,
And hia breath was a flame of hot yellow and blue ;
He'd pounce, where they played with their primitive
toys,
Upon fat little raisin-faced Chinaman boy8, And he 'd swoop with a snap, as they combed out their
curls,
Upon fat little almond-eyed Chinaman girls ; And in fact he went on in so tiresome a way That the greatest of Chams became filled with dismay, And he said, " Lest the Snapdragon guzzle and gorge Every kid in our kingdom, let 's send for ST. GEORGE ! "
Tlio Saint soon appeared, riding stately and slow, On a charger as white as the new-driven snow ; His shield it was silver, his lance tough and strong, And his two-handed sword most prodigiously long ; But his face it was gentle and merry and kind, The best sort of face for a fighter, you '11 find, And he pulled on his helmet and tightened a strap, And he cried, "Where's the dragon who calls himself
Snap?"
Then the dragon rushed out and the dust and the din. Of the combat was carried as far as Pekin, Till the Saint hammered home his most useful of smacks And the Snapdragon whimpered, " ST. GEORGE, let 's
have pax i "
" All right," said ST. GEORGE, for he wasn't, you know, The sort to be hard on a well-hammered foe;
Still, the dragon despondently hung down his head,
Being frightfully sick at the life that he 'd led ;
So the Saint thought a minute and then waved his sword
And the kids who 'd been eaten were safely restored
As jolly as ever; the Snapdragon said
He would live for the future on brown gingerbread
To show he was sorry and, if it would please,
He would come — as a waiter — to holiday teas.
This task he performed with most pious complaisance,
Though he always would hand round the almonds and
raisins,
Which in consequence often appeared in a blaze, For his breath was blue fire till the end of his days !
And after his death at a hundred-and-three, When almonds and raisins were served after tea, In the land of Shan-tung it was proper and right To call them Snapdragon and serve them alight ! * » * <:• *• * * •
And so, my dears, the fearful Beast That ravaged once the rosy East Is now that tastiest of myths You met last Thursday at the Smiths' ; Remember that next time you gorge, And say a grace to good ST. GEORGE 1
1 ' THINGS you SHOULD KNOW.
On December 25th, 10G6, William the Conqueror was drowned."
Glasgow News. We will remember in future.
"The Xmas holidays will be observed in Kamsey, on Wednesday, Dec. 25th, and Thursday, Dec. 26th."— Ramsey Courier.
Ramsey is always in every new movement.
14
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAIUVAHI.
[JANUABY 1, 1913.
IN A BALL-ROOM.
" TKI.I, mo all about yourself," he said. She had known him two minutes, and he had already told her his life- history.
"Why should I?" she said, raising her cyebro\vs.
" I 'm sure it would he so interesting. Let me see. You are married, you say. You know I never caught your name. But how absurd ! You don't look more than nineteen."
" I hate compliments," she said.
There was a little pause.
" We must have heaps of mutual friends," he began again a little feverishly. " Heaps."
" Why?'' she asked.
" You know the Barringtons, I expect. Yes, I 'm sure you know the Barringtons. Haven't I met you there ? "
" I don't think so," she said thoughtfully. " But then I 'm always so busy, when I 'm there, looking at all the papers I don't get at home, that you may have been there and I 've never seen you."
" What on earth do you mean ? "
" I 'm sure I 've never met you : in the other room," she went on, ' " because there 's only one chair j there and that 's always empty when I go in. You are alluding, of course, to the two dentists, the brothers Barrington, aren't you ? "
" Of: course not," he said shortly. " I mean the Barring- tons of Barrington Hall. Arc there any others ? "
"Dear me, yes," she said. " Lots."
There was another little pause.
He sighed and made up his mind to go back to personalities.
" ' Tip-tilted ' was the word I ! wanted for your nose," he said, '
Afterwards, when he was alone, she came up to him.
" I am sorry I was so disagreeable," she said, " when you went on like that with me. But, you see, I didn't know you were doing it for a bet. How arc you getting on ? "
Our Athletic Dumb Friends. " Wanted— A Confidential Pony to play polo." — Advt. in " Statesman."
" Parcels are being handed to customers by Polo Bears, who seem to be alive."
Advt. in "Englishman." Everybody 's doing it.
" It is to my maternal aunt," I ex- plained, as I showed it him, "that we are indebted for this mutual pleasure." His face did not brighten. " Either," I continued, " you do not appreciate what this little box contains, or yours is one of those inscrutable expressions which are no true index to the inner feelings."
1 opened the box and displayed the Fountain Pen within. If possible lie became a degree more glum at the prospect.
" You do not realise," said I, " that this nib does not suit me."
He frowned quita unmis- takably.
" Come, come ! " I pressed ; "do you not see that not only does this nib not suit me but also that I am going to afford you the opportunity of changing it for me, gratis ? "
The busy half-hour I spent in that shop has convinced me • that the gladness of the sta- tioner is not as the gladness of other men, or else that his -way of showing it is most mis- leading.
' WELL
'BOOK
, OLD BOY, WHAT'S THE PBIZE?"
CALLED — En — SHAKSPEABE. EVEB HEAD IT,
as they walked back to the ball-room. " You remember I was trying to tell you how it struck me."
" I 'in sorry if it did that," she said gently. "But, if anything, it 's slightly Jewish, really," and she left him with a nod.
" Now, what is a man to talk of to a girl like that? "he said, mopping his forehead.
Then he found his next partner.
" Tell me all about yourself," he said, as they sat out. " I 'm sure it would be BO interesting." And then, " Do you know, we must have heaps of mutual friends. Heaps." Then he looked up and caught his last partner's eye. She smiled it him amicably.
THE MARCH OF PROGRESS.
I WAS not sorrowful, but only
bored
I By each and all that ever I adored.
I am not forty-five, but twenty- three—
You must not think that they were bored by me.
No, on the contrary, they
fluttered round, Responsive to the music's
opening sound,
Clasped me delightedly and did
their best,
DAD?" Talked in the intervals and let me rest.
A JOYFUL OCCASION.
[" Why not instruct us to send one of our Fountain Pens direct to your friend for his Christmas present? If the nib does not suit, any stationer will gladly change it for him, gratis."— Extract from drccent advertisement.']
"ANY stationer," said my aunt's letter, so I took the first that came.
"It is too late to wish you a Merry Christmas," I said to the man behind the counter, "but I can, at any rate, wish you a Happy New Year, and that with some confidence."
" What can I do for you, Sir? " said he, a little curtly I thought. But then he did not yet know what happiness 1 had in store for him. I produced the presentation case.
j Were they less lovely than the week
before ? I Was the band timeless, adamant the
floor?
Did supper bring some vintage that I
bar, An old crustacean or a young cigar?
No, everything was exquisite ; but what Availed the Coney Clutch, the Clydes- dale Trot ?
I knew the Simian Slide, and they did not.
"The discoverers suggest a gigantic »7iti- quity, and some of those who have examined the fragments think it was older still."
Or even older than that.
JANUARY 1, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI;
15
Head of the Family (writing to the inventor, after wrestling with " Tlie Best Puzzle of the Century "), " THE LEAFLET ACCOMPANYING
YOOH UNHEALTHY INVENTION STATES THAT A PATENT HAS BEEN APPLIED FOB. YOU HAVE THB PRESENT STATB OF TUB LAW TO THANK THAT A WARRANT HAS NOT ALSO BEEN APPLIED FOE."
AT THE PLAY.
" THE SLEEPING BEAUTY." BUT for the scenery, which was nearly always of an exotic beauty, and some of the names, which had an Italian flavour, you would never have guessed that wo were dealing with Continentals, so British was the humour, so true to the traditions of Boxing Night at the Lane. Yet, if we might believe the sign -post (in Eng- lish), it was on the very frontier of Prance and Switzerland that the most engaging episode of the evening occurred, when Monte Blanco (Mr. GEORGE GRAVES), who had for eighteen years been established in this spot as a scarecrow (on a more military frontier such an object would almost certainly havo attracted suspicion), recovn 1 1 his ducal identity.
It was here, at a rather ad- vanced hour, that the humour of the pantomime, hitherto largely confined to the knockabout business (in which Messrs. LUPINO and OWEN are so ex- cellent), began to invade the dialogue, or, at any rate, Mr.
GEORGE GRAVES'S share of it. How much was his own and how much the authors' I dare not conjecture, but one is safe in attributing a great deal of its success to the personality of this de- lightful actor. It is perhaps regrettable, by the way, that political and other
pantomimes. Something more might have been made out of the latest move- ment of the militant Suffragettes. • I do trust -that on a future visit I may be regaled with a Pillar- Box outrage.
The main theme did not strictly fol- low the lines of TENNYSON'S Daydream.
topical allusions are not the strong j There were two claimants for the hand feature that they used to be in the old ; of the Sleeping Beauty. One of them
(Auriol) had been betrothed in his cradle to the Princess in hers, and therefore had a prior claim; but the Wicked Fairy had had him mislaid shortly after the ceremony. The claim of the other (Finnykin) was illu- sory, and would never have been entertained if the embassy des- patched to discover the missing child had been less anxious not to return empty-handed. He was a bumpkin of so sylvan a type that Mr. GRAVES mistook him for a woodcock. His tastes lying in a direction more con- genial to his humble origin, he shrank from the greatness that was thrust upon him. Mr. LUPINO played the part with a very becoming modesty of demeanour.
The successful hero, or
Mr. GEORGE GR\VKS (Ditke of Monle Hlancn) conducts his
pri\ati> band.
16
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 1, 1913.
" Principal Boy," should, by all that is sacred in tradition, have been a girl, but actually he was Mr. DOUTIIITT. Excellent in voice, he looked a little too stalwart for the part. One expected a resounding smack when he kissed the lady out of her sleep ; and a response on her side —
" 0 lovo, thy kiss would wako the dead ! "
But then one had to remember that his foster-parents were rustic, and that he had been brought up as a gardener. The Princess made a pleasant point of this, while still ignorant of his lofty pedigree. "The first lady of the land," she said, "married a gardener." An admirable precedent, and, as we know,
" From yon blue heavens above us bont The gardener Adam and his wife
Sinilo at the claims of long descent."
I was very sorry indeed for him when the malevolence of Anarchista, the Wicked Fairy, turned him into an appallingly hairy monster. (Was it the Tatcho of Mr. SIMS, part-author, that did it ?) Here the pathos and the grotesqueness of things rubbed a little against one another. But it brought love to the test. For it was the loyalty of the Princess in these trying circum- stances that secured his restoration. Such was the pretty rule in Faerie, where Puck set forth the law that these restorations can only occur through an act of human intervention.
The slight and graceful Priiicess (Misa FLORENCE SMITHSON) lacked something of the sentimentality of the 'habitual heroine of pantomime ; but she got well home to the hearts of her audience by the refinement of her singing. The chief honours, how- ever, went again to little Miss BENEE MAYEB. She could not be expected to have voice enough for the part of Chorus, but there was an instinctive grace in all her movements, and whenever she appeared — an unfailing promise of some good change coming — she brought with her an exquisite air of romance.
I feel for Mr. ARTHUR COLLINS, upon whom the necessity of surpassing him- self must put a heavy annual strain. To say that he has done it this time would be to compromise his past record. But every year, one seems to detect a surer feeling for subdued harmonies, a nicer distaste for resonance and glare. The dim light on the great Garden scene was very beautiful, and, for contrast, the high colours of " The Blue Lagoon," were proper enough to the hard brilliance of Lake Geneva— or whatever it WHS.
As for the fun — vires acqnireteundo; and the same may be hopefully said of EOineof the dancing, which needed more
rehearsals ; but meanwhile I carried away (some time, I fear, before the end, for I am past the age when even the best pantomime is an adequate solace for the loss of both dinner and supper) a vivid impression of some very on- trancing pictures, of an amazing smooth- ness in the work of the scene-shifters, of the most fascinating of Pucks, the most genial of humorous Dukes, and
Mr. BARBY LUPINO (Finnykin) in a golfing suit, as worn on the Franco-Swiss frontier.
the handsomest Wicked Fairy (in the person of Miss ALICE CHARTRES) that ever mitigated the charms of Malice by the beauty of her own. O. S.
" SHOCK-HEADED PETER." Why it was I do not know, but as a child I certainly owed nothing to Stnmnvelpeter. Though we all read it, our reception of it was mild, and it was never the family book that, say, Uncle Remus became. As a result I could only remember, when I grew up, that Augustus was a chubby lad, and that Fidgety Phil couldn't keep still. So I cannot say whether this children's play by PHILIP CARR and NIGEL PLAY- FAIR (as given every afternoon at the Vaudeville) is calculated to shock the elect or not. Obviously it does not shock me. I do not mind at all that Philip and Augustus and Peter and Harriet should be made to belong to one father, when perhaps they weren't even related in the original version. I have no feelings about any of them. What does concern me is that these four bad children should be played so delightfully by Messrs. COMPTON-
COUTTS, EDWARD EIGBY, EDMUND GWENN, and Miss NELLIE BOWMAN, and that they should have had such a thoroughly happy and wicked time. Pleasant too it was to hear again such childish expressions as " Bags I " and "Beastly swizzle" — they, at any rate, owed nothing to the German. (But, dear Authors, surely we used to say " Fain I," and not " Fains I," when we wished to get out of anything un- pleasant ? That extra "s" gave me quite a turn.)
The little play is admirably staged. There is a very sound storm which carries off Peter on the crook of Harriet's umbrella, and a realistic burning-up of Harriet (who played with matches) which is positively terrifying. Indeed, it was only the calmness of the children round me which kept me in my seat during these calamities.
Shock-Headed Peter is preceded by some old English singing-games and dances, performed by children under the direction of Mr. CECIL SHARP. These were altogether charming. There is one particular singing-game called "The Eoman Soldiers" which took my fancy entirely. I wonder if I could introduce it into Bouverie Street.
M.
THOUGHTS ON LOOKING THROUGH A CHRISTMAS ACCOUNT-BOOK.
JAMES has two lady friends, both near
his heart ; One is the Muses' handmaid, tall and
slim,
Whose taste is all for letters, music, art (Concurrently with great respect for Jim) ;
The other — isn't. Some have called
her vain ; Nor, to speak truth, does she so much
prefer Jim's loftier discourse to his lighter
strain.
She 's fond of jewels. Jim is fond of her.
At Christmas-tide Jim finds, to his
regret, That jewels such as please a captious
sense
Of beauty cost him dear. But lie can get Thoughts from Great Thinkers (fawn) for eighteen-pence.
The which is shameful. But, if you
were he,
(And weren't you ?) pray, what then, my friend '> De te — !
From an auctioneer's catalogue : — " 159. — Works of Ciceronis Opera."
The Opera family has always been extraordinarily productive. Caesaris Opera was one of the most fruitful.
JANUARY 1, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
17
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) Little, Thank You, which Messrs. PUTNAM publish for Mrs. T. P. O'CONNOR, ia a charming idyll. It presents a sunny picture of Virginia ;tfiiT the war, but at a period so close to the epoch-making event that we catch many glimpses of home life in " ole Virginny." The hero of the story is a small boy who, after the occasional manner of his kind, dominates the domestic circle of whicli he is the centre. It would be easy to make such an one a per- sistent bore. Mrs. O'CONNOR handles her subject so gently and witli such skill that the reader, inclined at the outset to be repelled, is conquered, and pays court with the rest. The characters in the little drama are few, but without exception are admirably drawn. The old negro nurse, probably taken from life, is delightful. Jimps, the dog, is in his way (squally good. It is the sort of book that is especially attuned to the Christmas mood. Those who did not find the opportunity of reading it in the already passed holiday-time may take my word for it that its perusal will brighten the New Year.
One of the most agreeable entertainments that I have encountered this great while is The Unbearable Bassington (JOHN LANE). By now one has, of course, grown to expect verbal dexterities from Mr. H. H. MUNRO (" SAKI "), and in the present volume one certainly gets them, and something more. The book is in fact a pudding in which the greatest possible number of plums are held together by the barest modicum of suet — with the natural result that, taken in bulk, the mixture may be found cloying. In small portions, say three chapters to a meal, you can not only enjoy it delightedly yourself, but even compel the appreciation of those to whom you will be unable to resist reading the choicest bits aloud. Than this, of which I have made per- sonal test, there can surely be no greater tribute to such a book. Only considerations of space restrain me from quoting its best things now. There is one chapter that contains the most brilliant exhibition of conversational fireworks since The Importance of Being Earnest. But inevitably they are of different degrees of sparkle. Not only does one get
Friend (to infantry officer who has bttn trying to pass riding test for promotion). WELL, PASSED ALL RIGHT, I HOPE?"
No; SPUN, CONFOUND 'EM I THEY BROUGHT THE WRONG HORSE."
the rather mechanical humour which describes a man's and the odds and ends of people who are involved i beard as "lending a certain dignity to his appearance affairs. The hapless Tow Garry, who married her, is less — a loan which the rest of his features were continually convincing, being a trifle too stagnant for a young Guards- repudiating," but on the same page we read, "One should man; but he is a good enough background for the finely-
ahvays speak guardedly of the Opposition leaders; one never knows what a turn in the situation may do for them," with the added remark, in reply to obvious comment, " I mean they may one day lead the opposition." This seems to mo the genuine article; and, if you like it, and ever so
shaded picture of his wife. As so often happens in real life, one thing after another occurred in their existence; and again, as so often happens in real life, these incidents were just incidents and led up to no particular crisis or denoue- ment. They were interesting in themselves, severally and
much more that at its worst is always smart and at its best apart, and in the telling of them the author, as shrewd and
'11 L\ .. ~\ ' i 1 rm T-T i 111-1
witty, you will find with me The Unbearable Bassington
very beai able indeed.
There can be no question about it, Mrs. HENKY DE LA PASTURE (Lady CLIFFORD) has made a very delicate and telling study of her Erica and the down-trodden Lady Clow,
observant as ever, finds many an opportunity of expounding her simple and genial, philosophy. Meanwhile, Tom Garry bore with his wife very patiently for a while, lost his illusions of her one by one, and ultimately died before the birth of his son. And there you have Erica (SMITH ELDEB). There are those, and I am one, who look for a plot in a
18
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARtVASl.^JJ^** l> 1913-
novel Something momentous must happen, be it the and here and there, t expected to fulfil our hopes and fears, or the unexpected to his t: surprise us. The only critical event in Erica's career is the importance to mere tn LLution of her engagement to Christoptor Thorverton, is a general liveliness i .od that » prior to the period of this history. Thus when , very readable b.U, I
the writer has taken too great an of that, however, there in the narrative which makes his book am bound to say that that part of ho discusses the ethics of the sport
with the " A'o/c :— The Author hopes m a later volume to give the further history of Erica and her son," and it is possible that I shall not read that later volume, unless I liave reason to believe that it will excite my emotional as well as my intellectual approval.
a very convincing piece of work. To say, as he does, that " it is very questionable whether animals experience pain," is an absurd and mischievous piece of overstatement, which would justify a demand for the repeal of the laws directed a«ainst cruelty to animals. I must not conclude without montionint.' a memoir of W. E. CUKBEY, the founder of the
pack, delightfully written by Professor HENRY JACKSON. Elsewhere will be found some anecdotes of Mr. EOWLAND
"
To read RALPH CONNOR on Western Canada and the
heroic routine of that fine service of the North- West ^™ ,.-„.-..— ~
Mounted Police is to feel young and adventurous and HUNT, M.P. ; (then nicknamed " Mother ) which shosv
imperial-at too small a price. The author has a flair that he did not always wear that air of Boadicean graviU
for all that is keen and clean and strong in football or love which now marks him in the House of Commons.
or war, and a deep and simple religious faith and feeling underlie his outlook upon life. Cor- poral Co»terore(HoDDER AND STOUGHTON) was a Scottish International half, who lost a certain match through dilut- ing his training with whisky, and was com- ing to no good in the Old Country. He finds "a man's work" — "rid- ing on a horse and ordering people about " (as young Reggie Ken- nion defines it in The Younger Generation) — in the Mounted Police after some tough and toughening experience on a ' farm and in a survey gang. Haven, the whisky-runner and horse-thief, is a rare spe- cimen of the hero-black- guard, and Cameron's ' three encounters with him make a stout yarn. The police are 1 the finest of fine fellows, a breed of demigods — five hundred of them effectively patrolling the frontiers of an Empire. The time is in the eighties, just before the Indian Eebellion in Western Canada. I should like to have had more of the hero's Scotch friends, who are introduced with some circumstance and incontinently and unwisely abandoned — • Dunn, the Scotch International captain ; Mr. Roe, the lawyer with the disconcerting smile ; Miss Brodie, and Cameron's sister Moira, bonnie lassies both.
Superannuated Tragedian (after forcing the car to -pull up). " PERMIT MB, Sm,
TO INDULGE FOB A FEW BRIEF MOMENTS IN A JOY I HAVE NOT EXPERIENCED SINCE MY LAST STARRING TOUR IN 1893."
The only complaint I have to make against The Happy Warrior (ALSTON KIVEHS) is that Pcrcival, its hero, ought to have been born before page 93. Indeed, I had good reason to think that Mr. A. S. M. HUTCHIN- SON, whose first novel, Once Aboard theLugger, was such an unquali- fied success, intended to waste his talent upon a psychological study of a vulgar wo- man, but now I know that even if he makes a false start he is only getting up steam "for sorriething absolutely fresh and original. The plot of this story (breathless after page 93) is very slight, for, although the vulgir woman thinks that she is a peeress, and contrives a great future for her amiable but effeminate son, the reader knows
In Tfui Trinity Foot Beagles (ARNOLD), Mr. F. C. KEMP- SON has compiled a history of the well-known pack which, under the management of undergraduates, has for more than fifty years hunted hares over the heavy soil of Cam- bridgeshire. Mr. KEMPSON is, I gather, a parson of the sporting sort, and he declares himself to be an " hereditary Barbarian," meaning that he is devoted to field sports as opposed to games, which are pursued, he says, by Philis- tines. But Mr. KEMPSON, I further gather, has been a rowing man, and he is therefore in the supreme position of being both a Barbarian and a Philistine. The book is put together, if I may say so, in a somewhat disconnected way ;
Not, however, until the end of the book is Percival aware of his rank, and by
that the hero is really the peer.
that time he has formed a warm affection for the pseudo- peer, and has also " made things hum." Chafing undei the restraints of village life he joined a kind of travelling show, and while living this roving existence he won tho most glorious fight. "One of the real one's, one of the clean breds, one of the true-blues, one of the all-rights, one of the get-there, stop-there, win-there — one o' the picked" — is the description given to Percival, and I am very content to leave him at that. To those who are prepared to overlook the author's false start (I am sorry to be so insistent about that, but I resent those initial pages) and to step off the soundly beaten track of commonplace fiction, I most warmK recommend Mr. HUTCHINSON and his Happy Warrior.
" The second portion of the Rue Edouard VII. will be in the forn of an arcade, occupied by bishops of the best class." — Londcti lii.dijc'.
It is possible to overdo a good idea. We would urge tha a sprinkling of rural deans and an archdeacon or two of the second class would -show up the bishops better.
JANTAKY 8, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
19
\
CHARIVARIA.
No ono, wo fancy, was surprised, though many were pained, to lioar that, Mr. hi.ovii (ii:oiu;K was ronfiuod tlio otliorday to his house by doctor's orders.
The WAR MINISTER is said to have advised tlio CHANCELLOR not to worry about tlio paucity of doctors for his In- suraiico scheme. ]fo pointed out that the Territorials, in spite of a lack of num- bers, are an enormous official success.
:;: :|:
Soutbend Council has decided to ex- tend the season next year from Easter to the middle of October. Why not carry it on till Christmas and so make sure of some summer weather? + ^ *
At Folkestone last week, there was what is described as a slight earthquake shock. Although it is now supposed to have been caused by a passing motor omnibus this will not prevent the district fronn describing itself in future as an English .Riviera.
-.;: :!:
When the French liner Touraine arrived at New York last week, ex-President CAST BO of Venezuela was removed by an immigration officer, and taken to the detention pen at Ellis Island. The EX - PRESIDENT showed some indignation at finding that the pen was mightier than the sword.
^: :;:
Nearly 600' English wild song - birds are being des- patched to British Columbia. We understand that on their arrival, before being dispersed, they will give a grand massed concert at a Victoria music-hall.
:|: :;:
We give the story for what it is worth. It is said that a sub-editor of Thf, Pali Mall. Gazette recently sub-
be called upon to cease giving to the objects of their adoration worked Clippers and smoking caps, which have an undoubted tendency to encourage a love of ease and luxury.
A contemporary is advising its readers, when advertising for servants, to mention what attractions they have to offer. The newly-married couple who are able to announce that their glass and china is absolutely new and has never been broken before should be able to secure the pick of the market.
The following notice appears in the hall of a MiiiTon hotel : — "The Turkey Trot and Allied Dances are prohibited in this Hotel." It was no doubt it, order to avoid hurting Ottoman suscep- tibilities that the dance? of the Allies were included in the ban.
The Ideal School.
"BuxroN COLLEGE.
Next term commences on Tuesday, Sept- ember 17th."— Add. in " Yorkshire I'ost."
Miniature Liveried Official. " 'ERE I 'oo YJSB GLAIRIN' AT ?
YEH NEVER SEES NONE OP US COUIHSSIOyAIRBS BETOBB?"
It is sometimes a little difficult to know how to pass the long Winter evenings. We strongly recommend as a pass-time an attempt to solve some of the advertisements in our news-
mitted to an examination at the hands i papers. For example, among its
of a phrenologist. " Marvellous head- linos!" reported the Professor.
" No Dictation ! '''"cried The P. M. G. " Hooray ! " shouted Tommy, whose weak point is spelling.
The Bishop of CARLISLE, in his Nrw ^ car pastoral, has been inveighing against such of the clergy as " seem afflicted with incurable indolence." If matters do not mend in this respect it is thought that the spinsters of England
Situations Wanted" we find the fol- lowing in The Daily News : —
MISDEB.— Whfa., Bate, Pits., J-tn., Bk., \Vk., Com., qk., exp., rel., ex. rcfs.
In this instance our guess at the truth would be that the advertiser is willing to look after whiffs (i.e. to keep cigars from going out), babies, plaintiffs, half - tons, bankrupts, work- men, commissionaires, quacks, ex- presidents, relatives, excise-men, and referees (the last presumably on Paris football-grounds).
" Biblical students know about Knha- kore," says The Glasgow Herald With some truth — though person- ally we had to refresh our memory with the Encyclo- pedia. The Glasgow Evening Times, however, reproduces the statement as " Bibulous students know about Enlui- j kore." We may expect, then, ! to hear something more about it on Boat-Race Night.
" The toast was drunk with enthusiasm, after which Mr. J. V. Simpson sang ' Bannie wee thing,' while the Piper played ' My love '• but a lassio yet." — Madras Mail. Mr. SIMPSON evidently thought that the Piper was playing " Bonnie wee thing."
J. H. TAYLOR, in an article entitled " Golf at Rome " :
" A golfer cannot look upon the features of the dying gladiator, immortalised in the famous statue, and think of the magnificent courage and splendid devotion to his Emperor that brought him to his untimely end, without it being impressed upon his mind that the descendants of such men must possess all the characteristics that go to make a successful player." Neies of the World.
Nor can a player at Stoke Poges meditate upon the wonderful flow of language revealed in the Elegy in a Country Churchyard " with- out it being impressed upon his mind " that GRAY would have known what to say had he ever topped into the pond.
Then and Now. THE damosels of long ago Were ever nice when they said " No " ; They hinted, in their honied way. At other flowers as sweet as they, And proffered to the blighted swain A sister's love to ease his pain. But things have changed in this respect, And modern maids, when they reject, Just give their heads the tiniest toss And tersely snap " Abso. imposs."
" BACUP SENSATION. POLICEMAN NOT GUILTY OF SHOPBREAKINO." Is this so unusual at Bacup ?
V.U.. C'XUV.
20
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVAEL
[.JANUARY 8.
THE PREMIER AND THE BIRD.
Bom on :i si.ft \Vint.-r: « ith :u-knmv- ledgincnU to his friend, Mr. W. BEACH
THOMAS.]
Now any morning you may hear, Before the pinks of dawn appear, \Vlirre on the sombre boughs they sit, Mavis and robin, wivn and tit, Piping their introductory bars "Without respect of calendars ; And, what is worse, without regard To the convenience of the bard, Caught napping in the New Year's
prime All unprepared with vernal rhyme.
These hints, which early birds convey, That this is now the month of May Are of a rudimentary kind, Appealing to the common mind. But there are other marks, not missed By the accomplished ruralist — More subtle signs, half hidden from us, That don't escape my friend, BEACH
THOMAS.
Thus, in his rambles round the place, His beady orbs have marked a brace Of slugs — a most unusual thing — Strolling about as though 'twere Spring; Also a snail (he noticed that) Taking the air without its hat.
Likewise of flowers he makes report Citing the more precocious sort. With piercing glance he clapped his eye
on
The undefeated Dandelion, Fool's Parsley, nauseous to the nose, Dead Nettle and the rathe Primrose. By wooded walks and hedgerow ways he Chatted with Kex and modest Daisy, With Shepherd's Purse and Periwinkle And Canterbury Bells a-tinkle. And, quoting WORDSWORTH, line by line, Lunched with the Lesser Celandine.
Further he saw a roomy nest, Fruit of a gay cock-sparrow's zest, Built for his young fiancee's use ; And, should the Winter keep its truce, Our THOMAS, in a week or so, Should hail the swallow's Northwarc
Ho!
And in his note-book scribble, " Hark I hear the cuckoo's opening bark ! "
Alas for faith that meets the shock Of disillusion's nasty knock, Of frosts that blight the ardent blood And a sad nipping in the bud ! Yet how can simple bird or plant Help making these mistakes? The
can't.
Innocent little dears, that lack A knowledge of the Almanack, And think that, like last Summe
(shame ! )
Winter is gone before it came. And even minds of older make Sometimes commit a like mistake — -
SQUITH, for instance, though, you'd
say,
He ought by now to know his way \bout the circling seasons' schedule And have it perfect in his head, you'll Mud that he holds the strange impres- sion That this is still an Autumn session!
Ye who would have your top-notes clear When April's actual self is here,
Don't, in the depth of Winter, sing
?he airs of Autumn or of Spring !
shun the unseasonable strain, And spare your throats ; nor, like those twain,
?he Songster and the Man of State, ~gnore the need to hibernate 1
But, if you still insist on humming [Wes of a day long dead or coming ; i you decline to take a rest And must get something off your chest ; ["hen, of the two types, both absurd — tatesman or tomtit — play the bird ! O. S.
BLANCHE'S LETTERS.
NEW YEAR'S NEWS.
West Boggleshire Manor.
DEAREST DAPHNE, — Here, at Bosh and Wee-Wee's, we've been having a ovely time out with the West Boggle- shire— positively the one and only motor-hunt ! We all follow in motors, and the quarry is a motor-fox 1 Bosh, who 's Master, is naturally very proud of it. He says it was the only way out of the difficulties made by those absurd farmer-people, with their com- plaints about their silly poultry being laten. Our motor-fox gives us simply glorious runs, and then when hounds oreak him up he can quite easily be put together again. If anyone earns the brush it 's just unhooked and handed to him (or her), and then it's hooked on again. By next season Bosh says perhaps he'll have a pack of motor- hounds as well.
If we were men, dearest, I "d say, "Hats off to Lady Manocuvrerl" for really and truly she is a clever woman, et ellc connait soil monde as well as any of us, and better than most. This is a preface to the news that one of the twins is actually — but wait !
Marigold and Bluebell, as you know, what with their height, their twin- hood, their constant rushing round and chattering about nothing, their ever- lasting, " Oh, isn't it absolutely top- hole ! " and their mother's strenuous efforts on their behalf, have been, foi quite several years now, a sort o double landmark, poor dear things (It was Norty who first called them Reculvers.) Well, last July, when every body left town, the Manoeuvrers wen
,o rusticate in some remote spot, and nothing more was heard of them till one began to meet them again in the autumn at country houses. And then, n y dear, one noticed a change. Mari- gold, it appeared, had retired from msiness and made over her share of he joint stock-in-trade, the high spirits, rushing round, chatteringabout nothing, ind " Oh, isn't it absolutely top-hole ! " o Bluebell. She was quiet, silent, jin':- >ccup6e, wore a diamond marquise on ler left third, and a dreamy, always- hinking-of-/i/w expression on her face. There she sat, twirling her ring and smiling to herself. And several men vho before had scarcely seemed aware
her existence became quite t-pris of ler in this altered state of things, and ;nade immense efforts to get her to alk and laugh as she used ; but they were answered either at random or not ,t all.
Of course Marigold was asked about ler engagement, but all she would ever >ay was, " We 're going to keep our ittle romance quite to ourselves. We don't want it spoiled by being an- nounced in the papers and gossiped to •ags by all of you. He :s gone back to lis duties in India and he '11 be coming lome by-and-by, and that 's all you 're any of you going to know ! "
Of those who fancied the idea of cut- jngout this absent hero of romance, the shief was the Duke of Derwent, whom ;he Mancauvrers gave up in despair ages ago. Derwent, who never yet wanted anything unless it belonged to some- body else, was quite in the first flight of Marigold's new-found soupirants and jy degrees became utterly and entirely set upon eclipsing the Absent One. The more Marigold wouldn't pay any attention to what he said and the more she sat in corners twirling her ring and dreaming, the more Derwent persisted, iill at last, when they were both at the Dunstables' with a large party, he succeeded in persuading her to forget " the other fellow " and elope.
They went to town, and were married " on the 20th of December, suddenly, at the Eegistrar's," as Norty put it. Of course, when the knot was fast tied, Derwent was sorry. But there was still a drop of sweetness in his cup. " How long will it be before that other fellow knows you 've shunted him and found someone you like better?" he asked with a chuckle when the 'moon was about a week old. His new duchess flung her arms round his neck. " Oh, Bobby darling," she yelled, for all and more than all her old high spirits had come back, " you 're the only man in the world for me. There 's no ' other fellow,' and there never was ! It was Mamma's idea that one of us should
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JANUARY 8, 1913.
TUEKEY IN WONDERLAND.
TURKEY (observing fabulous Phoenix rising from its ashes). " THAT 'S A TRICK EVERY BIRD OUGHT TO KNOW. WONDER IF I'M TOO OLD TO LEARN IT."
JANUARY 8, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI..
23
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL MOMENT.
Growler (to distressed liarrier). "KEB, SIB?"
seem to be engaged, and we drew lots, and it fell to me ; and Mamma bought that ring and coached me up in the part; and didn't 1 do it well? Oh, Bobby darling, wasn't it absolutely top-hole ! "
Talking of runaway marriages, there 's quite a small slump just now in regular, conventional, white satin and orange - blossom functions — St. Agatha's and half-a-dozen bishops, church crowded, everybody there — and people are taking to sneaking off to some weird church in the City or the suburbs and being married without a sound. The Oldlands went to town last week for the wedding of Veronica, the eldest girl — quite a nice match, with everyone's approval. The afternoon before the marriage-day, when every- body in town was at Oldlands House for the " Wedding Present Tea," in walked to-morrow's bride and groom in travelling kit. " Awfully sorry, people," said Veronica, "that you've all been asked I.O the show to-morrow, because there won't be one! Teddy and 1 were married this morning at St. Hildred's, Islington, and we 're off now f.o Friesenberg for the ski-ing."
Oh, my dearest and best, such a simply horrid thing has happened here ! I 'm afraid '13 will be a most odious year for your poor Blanche ! On New Year's Eve we were all enormously careful about the proper observances — 13 being such a sinister number. Bosh said he 'd tried to get some hunchbacks to meet us, but all the hunchbacks were engaged ages ago for the New Year! Josiah, who 's abroad on business, sent me a wire during the evening with such stodgy, Victorian wishes for the New Year that we all quite shrieked over it. As midnight approached we looked about for our First Foot. The darkest man in the party was a Col. Briggs, whom Bosh and Wee- Wee met abroad somewhere last year. He had black hair and moustaches. He didn't seem enthusiastic about the job, but at five minutes to twelve we sent him out at a side door, and the front door was set open to let in the New Year and the First Foot. Then we danced the St. Sylvester's waltz, with the dear old custom of one's partner saluting one as midnight begins to strike. Someone said the salute should be given at the first stroke of midnight, and someone
else said it should be given at the last stroke. Norty said they 'd better make sure of being right by giving it at each stroke ! And so we danced, and mid- night struck, and the bells of West Boggleshire church rang out, and the Briggs man came in, and we all wished each other everything nice.
Next day, when some of us were chatting it over, someone said suddenly, " I wonder if the Briggs man is really dark ! " " But what a hideous thought ! " I cried. And then a sort of panic seized us. Piggy de Laoey suggested, " I might get my fellow to ask his man. But it wouldn't be quite cricket, would it ? " " Never mind that," we all gasped; "our happiness, our very lives depend upon it. Go, best of Piggies, and find out." And Piggy went. Presently he came back. He looked at us with a composite sort of expression on his face. "Well?" we all asked in chorus. " Well," said Piggy, " I got my fellow to ask his man." " Well," we shrieked, " and what did he say ? " Piggy looked round at us all again. " He said, ' Before the Colonel's 'air turned grey it was red ! ' ' Ever thine, BLANCHE.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 8, 1913.
MORE SUCCESSFUL LIVES.
VII.— Tin: ADVKXTVRER. LIONEL NORWOOD, from his earliest days, had been marked out for a life of crime. When quite a child he was discovered by his nurse killing flies on the window-pane. This was before the character of the house-fly had become a matter of common talk among scientists, and Lionel (like all great men, a little before his time) had pleaded hygiene in vain. He was smacked hastily and bundled off to a preparatory school, where his aptitude for smuggling sweets would have lost him many a half-holiday had not his services been required at outside-left in the hockey eleven. With some difficulty he managed to pass into Eton, and three years later — with, one would imagine, still more difficulty — managed to get superannuated. At Cam- bridge he went down-hill rapidly. He would think nothing of smoking a cigar in academical costume, and on at least one occasion he drove a dogcart on Sunday. No wonder that he was re- quested, early in his second year, to give up his struggle with the Little-go and betake himself back to London.
London is always glad to welcome such people as Lionel Norwood. In no other city is it so simple for a man of easy conscience to earn a living by his wits. If Lionel ever had any scruples (which, after a perusal of the above account of his early days, it may be permitted one to doubt) they were re- moved by an accident to his solicitor, who was run over in the Argentine on the very day that he arrived there with what was left of Lionel's money. Ee- duced suddenly to poverty, Norwood had no choice but to enter upon a life of crime.
Except, perhaps, that he used slightly less hair-oil than most, he seemed just the ordinary man about town as he sat in his dressing-gown one fine summer morning and smoked a cigarette. His rooms were furnished quietly and in the best of taste. No signs of his nefarious profession showed themselves to the casual visitor. The appealing letters from the Princess whom he was blackmailing, the wire apparatus which shot the two of spades down his sleeve during the coon-can nights at the club, the thimble and pea with which he had performed the three- card trick so successfully at Epsom last week— all these were hidden away from the common gaze. It was a young gentleman of fashion who lounged in his chair and toyed with a priceless straight-cut.
There was a tap at the door, and Master?, his confidential valet, came in.
' have
y»
" Well," said Lionel, looked through the post ? "
" Yes, Sir," said the man. " There the usual cheque from Her Highnes a request for more time from the lad in Tite Street with twopence to pay o the envelope, and banknotes from th Professor as expected. Tlio youn gentleman of Hill Street has gon abroad suddenly, Sir."
" Ah ! " said Lionel, with a sudde frown. " I suppose you "d better cros him off our list, Masters."
" Yes, Sir. I had ventured to do so Sir. I think that 's all, except that Mi Snooks is glad to accept your kin< invitation to dinner and bridge to-nighl Will you Wear the hair-spring coat, Sir or the metal clip 1 "
Lionel made no answer. He sa plunged in thought. When he spoki it was about another matter.
" Masters," he said, " I have foum out Lord Fairlie's secret at last. ". shall go to see him. this afternoon."
" Yes, Sir. Will you wear your revolver, Sir, as it 's a first call ? "
" I think so. If this comes off Masters, it will make our fortune."
" I hope so, I 'm sure, Sir." Masters placed the whisky within reach anc left the room silently.
Alone, Lionel picked up his paper and turned to the Agony Column.
As everybody knows, the Agony Column of a daily paper is not actually so domestic as it seems. When " MOTHER " apparently says to " FLOSS," " Come homo at once. Father gone away for week. Bert and Sid longing to see you," what is really happening is that Barney Hoker is telling Jud Batson to meet him outside the Duke of Westminster's little place at 3 A.M. precisely on Tuesday morning, not forgetting to bring his jemmy and a dark lantern with him. And FLOSS'S announcement next day, " Coming home with George," is Jud's way of saying that he will turn up all right, and half thinks of bringing his auto- matic pistol with him too, in case of accidents.
In this language — which, of course, takes some little learning — Lionel Norwood had long been an expert. The advertisement which he was now reading was unusually elaborate :
"Lost, in a taxi between Baker Street and Shepherd's Bush, a gold- mounted umbrella with initials ' J. P.' on it. If Ellen will return to her father immediately all will be forgiven. White spot on foreleg. Mother very anxious and desires to return thanks for kind enquiries. Answers to the name of Ponto. Bis dat qiti cito dat."
What did it mean? For Lionel it had no secrets. He was reading the
revelation by one of his agents of th skeleton in Lord Fairlie's cupboard !
Lord Fairlie was one of the mos distinguished members of the Cabinet His vein of high seriousness, hi lofty demeanour, the sincerity of hi manner endeared him not only to 1m own party, but even (astounding as i may seem) to a few high-minded men upon the other side, who admitted in moments of expansion which thej probably regretted afterwards, that hi might, after all, be as devoted to his country as they were. For years now his life had been without blemish. I was impossible to believe that even in his youth he could have sown anj wild oats ; terrible to think that these wild oats might now be coming home to roost.
"What do you require of me?" he said courteously to Lionel, as the lattei was shown into his study.
Lionel went to the point at onco. " I am here, my lord," he snid, " 011 Business. In the course of my ordinary avocations" — the parliamentary at- iiospbere seemed to be affecting his anguage — "I ascertained a certain secret in your past life which, if it were •evealed, might conceivably have a not undamaging effect upon your career. ?or my silence in this matter I must demandasum of fifty thousand pounds."
Lord Fairlie had grown paler and jaler as this speech proceeded.
"What have you discovered?" he vhispered. Alas ! he knew only too well what the damning answer would be.
" Twenty years ago," said Lionel,
you wrote a humorous book."
Lord Fairlie gave a strangled cry. lis keen mind recognised in a flash what
hold this knowledge would give his nemies. Shafts of Folly, his book ad been called. Already he saw the sading articles of the future : —
" We confess ourselves somewhat at
loss to know whether Lord Fairlie's peech at Plymouth yesterday was ntended as a supplement to his earlier ork, Shafts of Folly, or as a serious ffering to a nation impatient of levity n such a crisis. . . ."
" The Cabinet's jester, in whom wenty years ago the country lost an xcellent clown without gaining a states- nan, was in great form last night. . . ."
'Lord Fairlie has amused us in the ast with his clever little parodies ; he lay amuse us in the future ; but as a tatesman we can only view him with isgust. ..."
" Well ? " said Lionel at last. " I link your lordship is wise enough to ndersland. The discovery of a sense of umour in a man of your eminence "
But Lord Fairlie was already writing ut the cheque. A. A. M.
JANUABY 8, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
HouseJiolder (au-aTitnetl) . "\VHAT THE
OH, LORD! ANOTHER CHRISTMAS-BOX,
THE WINTER
MY wife, my Oxford son, my daughters three (Named Mary, Ralph, Iseult, Elaine and Nesta)
Have flown off to the Engadine to ski
And skate and risk their limbs upon the Cresta,
Their view of life, so far as I can see, Being to make it one continual fcsta ;
While I, the patient drudge in duty's mill,
Remain in town and drive the daily quill.
Think not, however, that I mean to " make
A song about it," piteously appealing For sympathy because my children take
Their walks abroad while I remain at Ealing ; I haven't got a " travel-thirst " to slake ;
Davos no more attracts mo than Darjeeling ; I loathe the cold ; hotels are uninviting ; And, lastly, London 's hugely more exciting.
There 's not a crossing but some taxi-cab
May start you running for your life and floor you.
There 's not a 'bus but women tiy to jab
Their horrid hatpins in your face and gore you ;
The skies, I own, are dull, the outlook drab, But here the human beings never bore you,
With militants who war on all in trousers,
And Letts who run amok with murderous Mausers.
Hero not a week can pass completely by Without a missive from some moneyleaders
Offering me untold gold — 1 know not why ; I just return it stainpless to the senders ;
SPORTSMAN.
Wine-merchants for my custom daily vie
With cider-makers or with whisky-blenders, As keen about replenishing my cellars As if I were the best of ROCKEFELLEKS.
Then as for games, why should I search for sport
In the vicinity of Chiavenna, When I can to the gallery resort
And see Tartaric Tim give " Shawn " Gehenna, Or hear the Taffies truculently snort
Defiance at the maladroit McKENNA, Or watch the daily cranial distension Of Ministers whose names I need not mention ?
Moreover, here, and here alone, one knows The joy of tasting Mr. GARVIN'S leaders,
Fresh and red-hot, as forth the lava flows And scarifies all Unionist seceders,
Or proves the triumph that awaits our foes If we become a nation of free-feeders.
(They get them two days later up at Sils,
But there they miss his name upon the bills.)
You '11 say the grapes are sour. Perhaps they are.
The point is personal and matters little. I only know that Switzerland is far ;
That bobsleighs seem to me extremely kittle ; That falls, on ski or skates, the system jar,
And bones, when men are elderly, grow brittle ; And, if I must take part in a gymkhana, Let it be held in London, not Montana.
26
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 8, 1913.
THE PARTY.
" WHAT," I said, " is this rumour about a party ? "
" Rumour ? " said Francesca. " I liave hoard no rumours. And, if it comes to that, what is a rumour? "
'• A rumour," I said, "is evidently something which you know you have not heard. It therefore follows that if you heard it you would recognise it, and, that being so, you must know what it is, for otherwise "
" For otherwise," she said, " I should know what I don't know, and I should not be expected to wait here half the morning in order to answer idle questions."
" Since the word ' rumour ' gives you pain," I said, " I will withdraw it, expressing at the same time my most
sincere regret at having said anything which might "
(Loud cheers, in which the conclusion of the hon. member's sentence was lost). "But what," I added, " is all this about a party ? "
" A party ? " she said. " Who has said anything about a party ? What can you mean ? "
" Francesca," I said with determination, " I will be plain with you "
"No, no," she interrupted, "not that. But, after all, why should I complain ? Good looks are nothing."
" Good looks," I said, " are better than a ribald tongue."
" But some people," she said, " have got both, and that must be splendid for them."
" Evasions," I said, " will not help you. What is all this about a party on Saturday next ? "
" Oh, J/iaV-said Francesca. " If that 's what you mean, why couldn't you say it before ? "
" Apparently," I said, " that is what I mean ; and I have been saying it over and over again since I began."
" You should guard," she said, " against repetition. It is wearisome and unnecessary."
"What is the nature," I said, "of next Saturday's party?"
" Its nature is that it isn't really a party at all. If I said it was I have deceived you. It is a children's dance."
" But a children's dance," I urged, " is a party. It has all the qualities that distinguish a party. It causes inconvenience. It gives no enjoyment."
" You couldn't persuade the children of that. Tell them it's not to come off, and see what they say."
" Poor dears," I said, " they are ignorant. It would be useless to appeal to them. But, if they enjoy it, why are they so solemn and silent ? Tell me that."
" Oh ! that 's only at first," said Francesca. " If you come into this room after they 've been at it half-an-hour you '11 find them enjoying it all right."
" Into this room ? " I said. "Francesca, you are forgetting yourself. This is my room."
" Of course it is ; and it 's the largest room in the house, and much the best for dancing ; and you 're going to lend it to us for that day, like a generous true-hearted British father."
" And," I said, " all the furniture will be taken out and all my papers will be disturbed and lost, and the carpet will be removed, and the books will be put into the shelves in their wrong places. Is this what you propose ? "
" Something like that," she said, " will probably happen. You wouldn't have them dance in all this litter."
" I wouldn't have them dance at all," I said. " Francesca, I forbid the moving of my writing-table."
" The writing-table," she said, " will be the first to go. But you talk as if you 'd heard of all this for the first time."
" And that," I said, " is the solemn truth. No man in England is less easily surprised than — me or I ; which is it, Francesca ? "
" And," she said, " you don't even know your grammar.
To think that an ungrammatical man should dream of stopping a children's dance."
" I will circumvent the grammar," I said. " I am the least easily surprised man in England, but to-day, I own, you have startled me. Not one word of this dance have I ever heard whispered or "
" No," she said, " you haven't. Every day for the past three weeks I 've shouted it at you."
" Your gentle nature would never permit you to shout," I said. " But I do remember that some time ago you said quite casually that it would be a nice thing for the children to have a dance."
" There you are," said Francesca ; " didn't I say so ? "
" And I replied that this modern craze —
" I know perfectly well what you replied. It did you no credit and you mustn't say it again."
" And from that moment," I went on, " you have, I suppose, been stealthily planning this dance. And Muriel and Nina and Alice were in the conspiracy, of course. But what of Frederick, my little five-year-old barbarian ? How did you secure his silence ? Surely he cannot approve of dancing?"
"The barbarian mind," she said, "is susceptible to the promise of ices. He believes that on Saturday a world entirely composed of ices is to be at his disposal. You had better resign yourself to the dance."
"Francesca," I said, "something dreadful ought to happen to you."
" Something dreadful," she said, " has happened."
" I know," I said. " The man who plays the piano has got the influenza."
" Worse than that."
" The greengrocer has sprained his ankle and cannot come in to pour out lemonade."
" Worse even than that," she said. " Your Aunt Matilda, who likes children in their proper place, has announced herself for a three days' visit from Friday next."
" Which serves you," I said, " absolutely right."
" And, of course," said Francesca, " you will have to devote yourself to her on Saturday. After all, she has a kind nature in spite of her sharp tongue, poor old dear."
E. C. L. '
BY THE OPPOSITE EOUTE.
WHEN he was called he turned over and went to sleep again. When he got up he decided that he would get himself shaved professionally on his way to the office.
He read the newspaper solidly through breakfast. On two occasions he contradicted his wife. He took the odd piece of toast. In putting on his boots he swore quite wantonly (on the testimony of his wife).
He continued the day in the same strain of dogged laxity. At lunch he prolonged his usual interval of ninety minutes to one of a hundred-and-twenty minutes. By 5 P.M. he had smoked six cigars.
Then he telephoned to his wife to come and have dinner in town and go to a theatre, knowing that she would refuse. He thereupon carried out his programme en garqon, in the teeth of her imperfectly transmitted resentment.
Arriving home, he had a last unnecessary whisky and soda. Finally (as he tramped upstairs in his boots) he murmured with satisfaction, "Now you know what to expect, New Year ! "
On the 2nd of January he returned inevitably- — like everyone else — to the happy human mean of moderate im- perfection. But — contrary to everyone else — he had the satisfaction of feeling that ho was being a better man than he had set out to be.
JANUARY 8, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
27
FLIGHTING.
])i<;i:i- the ditch and very muddy,
And the time serins very Ion;; ; There's a, sunset wild and ruddy,
The West roars a song ; And the dusk is just a-falling
And it 's lonesome as can be Ere the geese come in a-calling
(311 the cold wet sea 1
Yrs, 'tis lonesome in the ditches
(Where's the whistle of the wings ?) And the dusk is full of witches
And of Big Black Things ; Funk, blue funk for him who strikes it
Has the bogey-haunted bog, And the only one who likes it
Is a red wet dog !
He 's a-twitch to hear the whicker
Of the pinions down the sky, While the ghosts they bawl and bicker
And the gusts boom by ; And you pat him for protection—
Ah, you hardly would suppose So much comfort and affection
In a cold wet nose !
Hark, the gaggle I Up the gun, then —
'Twas the neatest left-and-right ; "Fetch 'em, boy, and we '11 be done, then,
Two 's enough to-night ; Leave the shadows to their sinking,
Leave the ghosts their howling glee, It 's yourself that will be thinking
Of your hot wet tea ! "
AFTEEMAS.
A PROJECT is on foot, supported by a number of influential tradesmen, to inaugurate a New Season of present- giving, supplementary to Christmas and New Year's Day, to be called Aftermas. It will, it is believed, fill a long-felt want.
The origin of Aftermas is the disap- pointment with her own gifts recently experienced by a well-known Society lady on viewing those of her fellow guests in a country house at Yule-tide.
" Why," she exclaimed, "you seem to have received everything that I really wanted i "
" But," was the natural reply, " were you not asked what you would like ? "
"I was," she said, "but I couldn't for the life of me think. Now I know."
This charming person had struck on a basic truth of life, namely that envy rs stronger than choice, and it is this fundamental human foible which the Now Season will do much to satisfy.
The root idea of Aftermas is the giving of the presents which we know beyond question that our friends will like. Everyone will admit that Christ- mas and New Year's Day rarely leave us with the best things ; Aftermas will
Lift Attendant. " POUBTH FLOOR: LADIES' COSTUMES, MILLTNEBY, BOOTS', SHOES AND "OSERY." Breathless Old Lady (hopelessly lost). " I-I-IBEMUNQBY."
Lift Attendant. " RESTAUBANT, TOP FLOOR." (Whisks her tip.)
do so. To some extent, it may be urged, New Year's Day ought to do so now, since it is a week later than Christmas. But as a matter of practical politics this is not so. Christmas itself is a dies non (as the learned say). Boxing Day is another of the same Latin bunch, and the days that immediately follow are not adapted for correspondence, even if one's friends were disposed so soon to go shopping once more, an ordeal from which they naturally shrink after their recent terrible experiences.
Thus, as a corrective to the mala- droitness of Christmas benefactions, New Year's Day is of little use. But Aftermas should fulfil every condition, since it has been decided to put the date well forward, even as far as the end of January, to give everyone time
really to examine the presents of their friends and make up their minds abso- lutely. Lists will then be sent in and — well, they will see what they will see. Arising out of this Aftermas move- ment is a scheme, much favoured in Bond Street, to set apart the second Monday in every month throughout the year as a day on which friends should exchange valuable gifts. A plan to bring back the glories of February 14 with really expensive valentines is also afoot, and there are supporters also of the birthdays of Messrs. ASQUITH, BONAR LAW, KEDMOND and MACDONALD as occasions to be ear-marked for genial contests in generosity among friends. But at present the weight of the attack is being directed to the solid establish- ment of Aftermas.
28
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANCABY 8, 1913.
Mother (after relating pathetic story). "Now, REGGIE, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO GIVE youa BUNNY TO. THAT POOR LITTLE HOT TOO SAW TO-DAY WHO HASN'T AST FATHEE?" Reggie (clutching rabbit). " COULDN'T WE GIVE HIM FATHEB INSTEAD?"
THE RENEGADE.
(A memory of Yule, and dedicated to Mr. GEORGE RUSSELL, who writes innocenily in " Thz Manchester Guardian" : "Still, let not the vegetarian lift up his horn against the meat-eater : I havz seen gross excesses committed in plum-pudding.")
THIS is the tragedy of Mary Smith
(My cousin), who supposed that it was criminal
To slay one's brother ox and eat him with
Mustard and what not. .Bless your heart, sorna women '11
Believe in anything. Each crank 's a prophet.
Mary became a veg. Just now she 's off it.
It started when, some month or more ago
(I will say this, that Mary did not err long), She haled me to that house of fear and woe,
The restaurant of Mr. Ambrose Furlong : ' And all about us sat (ye saints, deliver us !) The glum-faced armies of the graminivorous. There was a deathly silence o'er the place,
Save only when, amid the murk and stillness, A nut went off; the food I could not face,
But trifled with some tracts on " Human Illness," The Way to Better Life: Flesh Food and Nemesis," Till Mary finished, and we left the premises.
It was the festal board, honours vowed to
various
Yule-
The scene is changed.
Graced with the
tide ; The turkey queened it, and the beef was lord,
But Mary, by the doctrines of her school tied, Though wistful glances stole across her features, Disdained to batten on her fellow-creatures.
Till, ringed with dancing flame, divinely brown, With white hair glistening and with scarlet berry,
The Bacchant pudding in the cloth camo down, Hailed by a revel cheer; and, now grown merry,
Ev'n she, the death's head, scouting melancholy,
Was fain to eat, and cut into the folly.
When "No," I said, and stayed her with the thought, " This is your kinsman. No, you must not do it.
The fare you ask for, by some go'd distraught, Is principally made of best beef suet.
In pomp of old he ranged betwixt the hedges
(All but the plums). Where, traitress, are your pledges ? '
And Mary heard, and Mary's cheek grew pale ;
Her spirit strove and underwent contortion, Then yielded suddenly, and chanced the bale.
" Hang it," she cried, and took a hefty portion. Since when, apostate proved, she daily smothers Her natural feelings and devours her brothers.
EVOK.
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JANL-AHY 8, 1913.
MARKING TIME.
ANN (during a hitch). " SHALL WE EVER GET TO THE DOCTOR'S?" CHAUFFEUR LLOYD GEORGE (hopefully). " OH, YES ; SOONER OR LATER."
MAKV ANN-. " WELL, I THOUGHT I'D ASK, 'CAUSE I SEE THE TICKER'S GOING ON AS HARD AS EVER."
JANUARY 8, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
31
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
(EXTRACTED FROM THE DIAIVZ o» TOBY, M.P.)
HOGMANAY IN LONDON.
At the New Year's Eve Supper, given by the Senior Liberal Whip by way of consolation to the Scottish Members, the Brothers WASON bring down the house.
House of Commons, Monday, Decem- ber 30. — Members back again after shortest Christmas recess known to history. Nervous anxiety prevalent in Whips' Room reflected on Treasury Bench. Ambush apprehended. BAN- BURY'B famous manoeuvre, with its practical result of adding a full week to uncanny extension of session, might encourage further effort on same lines.
Apart from other considerations effect of the successful ambush has been distinctly favourable to the Party for whose repulse it was arranged. Confident in an overwhelming majority Ministerialists had grown slack in attendance. Snap division altered that. Majorities that used normally to be somewhere about the round hundred have advanced by a score, occasionally two.
Nevertheless this first night of re- assembling of House looked forward to with apprehension. Whip circulated urging attendance of all sections of Ministerialists. Specially requested to
be in their places promptly on com- mencement of public business. Sum- mons loyally obeyed. Glance round benches at Question time indicated to all whom it might concern that if there were ambuscade within precincts of House patriotic gentlemen recruited for the purpose might as well stroll in with unconcerned looks as who should say, " What a wet Christmas we have had, to be sure 1 "
Ministers themselves careful to turn up. Treasury Bench even inconveniently crowded. Others full both above and below Gangway. At 6 o' clock, when first division was taken, Government majority ran up to 131, with total vote of more than two to one.
Business done. — Time-table for Re- port Stage of Home Rule Bill arranged.
Tuesday. — If you have ever observed a middle-aged gentleman of bland countenance and military bearing strol- ling down a country lane, coming to what looks like innocent wisp of hay, stooping down to examine it more
closely, and finding that it covers a wasps' nest, you will get some idea of to-day's adventures of Sir REGINALD POLE CABEW, K.C.B., C.V.O. Started afternoon in quite good form. Had on paper group of questions designed to confound SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR. When SEELY, after manner of Ministers, attempted to evade attack, POLE down upon him with further question "arising out of that answer." Possibly it was mellow satisfaction suffused by this successful sortie that lured the gallant General to destruction. However that be, debate on Report Stage of Home Rule Bill not far advanced when he came to the front. Had, he remarked, heard it said that the Opposition regarded Ireland as incurably disloyal. " I," he protested, shaking his fist at Nationalists below the Gangway, " have no feeling of that sort. But," he added, " so long as Nationalist Members preach disloyalty, so long as they practise a form of tyranny in the shape of boycotting, so long as they go
32
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANL'ARY 8, 1913.
about preaching rebellion, there must be disloyalty in Ireland."
Not to be supposed that utterance of these soothing remarks ran as smoothly as they are here printed. They were punctuated by interruptions from Irish camp. DEVLIN'S scornful " Oh ! oh I " rising above the din, POLE turned upon him with withering glance and remarked, "The honourable Mem- ber for Belfast is the worst of the lot." Eeference to boycotting bringing from same quarter enquiry, " What aboul the doctors?" POLK, drawing himself up with mingled air of sorrow and dignity, observed, "A very irrelevant observa- tion."
Irrelevancy was the one thing he couldn't a-bear. Catching sight ol SEELY laughing on Treasury Bench he turned aside to inquire whether SECRE- TARY FOR WAR had taken into his con- fidence his military advisers on the Committee of Imperial Defence on subject of military position of this country in event of establishment of Home Eule Parliament in Dublin? An interpolated remark from SEELY found POLE quite prepared to discuss in detail circumstances attendant upon Union of Great Britain and Ireland.
The GENERAL not only delightfully irrelevant himself but cause of bewild- ering irrelevancy in others. He brought to his feet that kindred spirit, WILLIE EEDMOND, who stirred the SPEAKER to anguished protest.
" I have," the right hon. gentleman said, " not the faintest idea of what the honourable gentleman is alluding to, or what the resolution is, or what was the body that passed it."
This brought up GILBERT PARKER, bent on making an awful example of himself as a warning to others. WILLIE EEDMOND had accused POLE CAREW of having used " disgracful and defamatory language." GILBERT PARKER wanted to know whether such remark was in order.
" I myself," he humbly added, " was reproved by a former SPEAKER for using the word ' disgraceful.1 "
SPEAKER again interposed in sterner mood. "The House," he said, "lias very little time. It is called upon to discuss an important clause, and the whole of the time is being wasted in ridiculous talk."
Eidieulous talk, forsooth ! WILLIE REDMOND swelled visibly like an of- fended turkey-cock, though he had not been mentioned. The SPEAKER'S ac- cusatory remark had been couched in general terms. But WILLIE not to be comforted.
" Sir," he said, amid cheers from Mr. FLAVIN, " 1 have the very greatest re- spect for you, but as to "the character
of the remarks I feel called upon t< deliver I will take leave to b'e the judg myself."
"Very well," said the SITAKKH, " lo us assume that you have disposed o the honourable and gallant gentlemai (POLE CAREW) and come to the clause under discussion."
Thus gently but firmly led back, atten- tion was again turned upon the impor- tant measure with respect to which well-grounded complaint is made- in some quarters that sufficient time is nol supplied for discussion of its clauses.
Jiiisincssdonc. — Proposed new clauses to Home Rule Bill dealt with.
Neit' Year's Day. — Home Rule Bil! on again; minds of Members more
' Ridiculous talk, forsooth !
(Mr. WILLIE REDMOND.)
engrossed by rumours of alleged happen- ngs at supper given last night by wily Whip to Scotch Members. When PREMIER proposed that House should re-assemble on Monday, the next day's sitting bridging the space between the Old Year and the New, a cry of horror and despair went up from Scottish quarter. True patriots they, how could they see the New Year in amid the mirk of London town ? Happy thought illu- mined ILLINGWOUTH'S mind. Why not isk them to supper and welcome the mdding year at the bountiful table of the Elotel Cecil ? So it was arranged, and the Scots Members turned up to a man as did their forbears at Bannockbura.
Proceedings of course private. But t is no secret that greatest success of the evening was the sword dance performed on the stroke of midnight by the Brothers WTASON, clad in the national garb. Gog and Magog were never hol'oro seen in such apparel. It was voted most becoming.
Jtusiness done. — Guillotine working its way through Amendments on lie- port stage of Home Rule Bill. GKMOK.U CARSON, K.C.'s amendment, excluding Ulster from its operation, defeated by 294 votes against 197.
THIS BUSY WOULD.
(With acknowledgments to Mr. Punch's contemporaries^
MR. JOHN JONES has been appointed Town Clerk of Twllony.
Struck suddenly by an idea as ho was crossing the market-place yester- day, Alderman Smith-Pidson, of Bury St. Edwins, fell in a trance, from which he has not yet recovered.
Flying from tree to tree and uttering its cry as in spring, a cuckoo has been seen by an auctioneer and surveyor of Savernake.
At the age of ninety-two a labourer named Melchisedek Bo, who has lived iri the same cottage for ninety-one years near Peterborough, has just died of troubles connected with third- seething.
Wagering with another man that he would drink a gallon of petrol in five ninutes, a chauffeur named William Heape is now lying in a precarious condition in the Middlesbrough dis- jensary.
Splashed by mud from a passing iiotor-car, in which was a party that ncluded Miss Dyzie Sweetling, of the Saiety Theatre, and her fiance. Lord Orde, an elderly woman named Eliza Cressbrook fell and fractured her knee- cap at Oswestry.
Accused of talking in his sleep at 3ermondsey, an aged man named Samuel Wigstcr struck his wife, a voman of sixty, so severely on the lead that she is not expected to live nore than twenty years.
A Long Wait.
" Even the more youthful and boisterous of be assembly waited in expectant silence while ct another twelvemonth passed."
Nottingham Guardian.
ALARM OF FIRE ON TUBE RAILWAY.
PASSENGERS AUGHT IN A DARK TCNNEI.." Daily Keir.t.
Alarmed. Passenger. "Help! Auntie's light again ! "
From a Transvaal Notice Board :—
"Motor cyclists and others arc warned
gainst riding at an excessive speed through
lie village, which is at present a source of
real danger to the community."
n England, too, it is widely felt among .lotorists that villages are a source of reat danger to the community and light to In; wiped out. Wrc look to the ioad Board to do its duty.
JANL-ARY 8, 1913.]
PUNCH, OU THK. LONDON CIIAIM VA1M.
33
Mother (fcc'.n-j licr irat/ to curtailing lioliday expenses). " AUGUSTUS, I THINK, INSTEAD OP GOING TO DUCKY LANE, WE OUGHT TO
TAKE THE CHILDREN TO tKB ST. PAUL'S. THEY MAY NOT HATE ANOTHER CHANCE. I SEE IT 's CRACKING ALREADY."
LAST— AND LOST.
Sun rises 8.7 a.m. Sun rises 8.8 a.m. ' Sun rises 8.8 a.m. Sun rises 8.8 a.m. Sun rUes 8.8 a.m. Sun rises 8.8 a.m. Sim rises 8.8 a.m. Sun rises 8.7 a.m."
[" December '27th December '28th December 29th December 30th December 31st January 1st January 2nd January 3rd
Extract from Almanack.] DAY ! (It is BROWNING'S phrase, not
mine) — Day .' An the Night grows faint and
diet, Like sudden meteors there shine
Aurora's splendid- eyes. 0 Goddess, lucent-limbed, divine,
Unkmuni to me (<m yet) by sight, Sparkling in gold, like ginger-ale (No tltci/ /uirc said who know), all hail! Hail, (I, urn .' Hail, day! Hail, light !
So to himself Adolphus sang—
Adolphus, reader, being I — While all the dim-lit bedroom rang
To that melodious cry ; For the alarum's strident clang
Had shocked me from my sleep thus
soon,
Who am not wont to break my rest, Nor to inflate my tuneful chest
Till pivtt\ nearly noon.
I 'd set it with my own right hand,
That harsh alarum, five hours back, Having just previously scanned
Whi taker's Almanack; " So," I had said, " I understand
This is the last day when the sun Gets up comparatively late (Though all too early), viz., 8.8.
Now should the thing be done ! "
Yes, this was January 2.
I filled my lungs, I sang again : — The Dawn, by poets hymned, of hue
Brighter than Golden Bain That on November 5 floods through
Ttie velvet night with brilliant sheen ! Then lie not there and grossly yawn, But rouse thyself and see this dawn
Which than hast never seen I
Arise, arise, Adolphus ! Shame
That than, sworn rotary of the Muse, Hast never watched that ardent flame
The radiant East suffuse ! Fata will not bring to thee the same.
Rich chance till many months have
sped. Have courage ! Cease tliosc coward
sighs ! Brave the chill morning ! Up ! Arise !
(Adolphus stopped in bed).
A Way they have in Australia.
" MELBOURNE, Friday. — Mr. Higgs (Queens- land) was upended in the House of Repre- sentatives this afternoon."
Brisbaiic Daily Mail.
We at home have more respect for the dignity of Parliament.
The Luck of No. 13.
" A London newspaper of 1776 asserted that . . . ' Washington had 13 toes and 13 teeth in each jaw.' " .
A stiff mouthful. GEORGE, like so many lovers of immaculate teeth, must have put his foot in it.
From a leading article in The West- minster Gazette : —
" New Year's Day is a Milestone which the least observant of us can hardly fail to pass unnoticed."
The writer, though, has failed easily. Indeed, it hardly looks as though he had tried to pass it unnoticed.
" Born on November 27 last, the little boy will, should things remain as at present, one day become Marquess of Lansdowne."
AfancJtester Evening News.
I Not, however, if the present Lord i LANSDOWNK remains as at present.
34
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
ft
AT THE PLAY.
" HULLO, EAO-TIMI.: " I surrosK that if you call a tiling a " Revue," it is meant to be a satire on persons in the public eye and on cunvnt vogues and events, and I therefore assume that all the chorus-part of Messrs. PEMBEUTON and DE COUHVILLE'S production at tho Hippodrome was designed to satirise the choruses of Musical Comedy. If, as I hope, I am right, the imitation here given of the old meaningless banalities was almost too perfect, for its intention clearly escaped the intelligence of the audience, who received it with loud and unsuspicious approval, as if it were tho real thing. I am not sure that even the chorus itself recognised what it was there for. But Miss ETHEL LEVEY knew all about it, and her Musical Comedy methods in the duet with the foreign huzzar were very delightful for those who appre- ciated her humour. On the other hand, Mr. JAMIESON DODDS, who played the part of the gallant officer, seemed to take it quite seriously.
But for the interludes between the choruses, the " Eevue " would have been a tedious business, for the ugliness of rag-time dances soon gets on the nerves. The clou of the evening was an " Extra Turn," entitled " The Dramatists get what they want." It was almost
THE SPIRIT OP BAG-TIME. Miss ETHEL LEVEY.
unbelievable that this was from the same pens that wrote the rag-time part, yet the programme mentioned n< other authorship. The protestation; of the artistes from the Music-halls — a decent dog-trainer and his wife, i perfectly respectable acrobat, witii si> children in common — against the quos
ionable character of tho words ^ were given to say in a sort of Stage Society drama, were exquisite fooling; ind here again Miss KTHKL LEVEY was he soul of the I'un, though Mr. HEGCIK, n a smaller and less exacting part, was ust as good. It was a delightful little jurlesque, and deserved a much more esponsive audience.
Another excellent interlude was the Sentimental Drama of the mother and icr lost child (allusive to The Tide ? ), vith interpolations from the body of lie house. Here Miss DOROTHY MINTO was in happy vein, and the attempts nade by the child (first a real child, ind then, after objection raised by tho j.C.C. because of the lateness of the lour, a grown-up member of the staff, quite as old as the mother) to secure >aternal recognition from just anybody hat came along were most acceptable.
There was nothing topical in the American dialogue between those ad- mirable artistes, Mr. LEW HEAEN and ,he lady who calls herself "BoNiTA," iut it was extremely amusing. Indeed ,he large American element did most of the funny work of the evening, and iven the actress who played Britannia n a Union Jack had apparently been mported from over the Atlantic, to sing the merits of the " red, white and Dlyew." I don 't know where the chorus came from, but they were well above the average in good looks.
A few public characters were intro- duced, but in many cases we were left to gather their identity from the pro- gramme or the dialogue. Worse like- nesses than those of Messrs. CHUBCHILL, P. E. SMITH, GRANVJLLE BARKER and the PRESIDENT of the Divorce Court it would be very difficult to produce. The representative of Mr. MARTIN HARVEY was more like the original, but The Only Way is too established an institution to ridicule at this time of day even if the impersonator had got Mr. HARVEY'S voice right. But a really excellent imitation of Mr. GEORGE GRAVES was given by Mr. CYRIL CLENSY in the midst of playing the character of Sir Wilkie Bard ; and Mr. GERALD KIBBY successfully assumed the manner of Mr GEORGE GHOSSMITH, though he coulc hardly hope to reproduce his legs.
For a satire on the passing hour this " Eevue " was not quite catholic enough in its allusions. Its authors over-esti- mated the part played in our lives by the stage. There really are other things Still, after all, there are few interests that more closely touch so many types For the camps of the Higher Drama, tht Legitimate, and Musical Comedy have little traffic with one another, and tin way of the true devotee of the Hall lies apart from them all.
The audience at the Hippodrome was nado of all these types— a sprinkling if the first two and strong contingents if the others ; and it is matter for
The One. "Hullo, ASQUITH I "
The Other. " Shut up, AUSTBS. Can't you see I 'm WINSTON ? "
The One. "Well, I'm not AUSTEN either. [ 'm F. E. SMITH in the programme."
compliment that the authors of this miscellany and their versatile cast should have given so much pleasure ;o so mixed a crowd. O. S.
From the programme of a concert at Kew : —
" ' Polonaiseina ' . . Chopin.
' Toreador ' . . . Carman. ' ' Give us Faust's " Nocturneinaflat " all the time.
From a notice-board at Leicester : —
" HOTEL.
ESTABLISHED IN THE 13th CENTURY,
RE-OPENED UNDER ENTIRELY NEW MANAGEMENT."
No doubt the change of management was necessary, but the old place will never seem the same again.
"The eighth aimual meeting of the Peace Conference was held at St. James' Palace this (Wednesday) afternoon."
Staffordshire Sentinel. The dilatoriness of Turkey is becoming a scandal.
"Le travail do M. Knochblauch (Kixmel est un bon divertissement pour dcs peuples, moins avaiicds en civilisation que nous no h sornmes." — IS Opinion. We hope that the thousands of Britons who saw the play at the Garrick, anc enjoyed it, will not take the above too much to heart.
JANUARY 8, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
35
Belated Sportsman (arriving just as hounds are moving off after breaking up their fox). "I'VE SEEN sous HUNTED FOX; HE'S
BEHIND, JUST OVER THE ROAD." Hunisttiatl. " TlIB "UNTED POX 18 INSIDE IK 'OUNDS, SlE."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
(By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.) IN John of Jingalo (CHAPMAN AND HALL) Mr. LAURENCE HOUSMAN lets out a number of bees that have been swarm- ing in his bonnet (or ought I rather to say his toque?), some of which havo very acute little darts concealed about them ; others, I think, are content, like the telephone, with a mere intermittent buzzing. Jingalo is a country whose capital may be described in the good old phrase as situated not a hundred miles from Whitehall, and it is only by an ingenious system of transpositions, and by the device of alluding quite frequently to England as a co- existent European state, that the author prevents us from saying at every turn, " How on earth could anyone dare to publish a book like this ? " Mr. HOUSMAN'S main thesis IP that Jingalo is governed by a class of office-seekers (represented at any given moment by the Cabinet), who are wholly unsupported by the voice of the people, and use alike the democratic will and the institution of monarchy to serve their bureaucratic ends. Having tumbled down the palace staircase upon his head, King John begins to " see tilings," and the scope of his vision is further enlarged by conversations with his son Max, a Max with whose cynical detachment we somehow seem familiar. It will not come as a shock to anyone to learn that the Dramatic Censorship and Women's Suffrage are cases in which King John sees fit to set his counsellors at defiance; but these are only two and not, I think, the sharpest of the points which Mr. HOUSMAN has made. I admire most the monarch's decision to revive the ceremony of washing beggars' feet; on Maun-
day Thursday, attended by the whole Order of Knights of the Thorn in full robes ; and the epilogue : " And when their ordeal by water was over then the twelve beggars — all of guaranteed good character though not actual communi- cants— reseived with delight each a new pair of shoes and stockings, which they were able to sell immediately at fabulous prices to collectors of curiosities, chiefly Americans. And that same night twelve very happy beggars, all more or less drunk, made their appearance on the largest music-hall stage in the metropolis, where the whole scene was elaborately re-enacted in Joe-simile, followed by a cinematograph record of the actual event." That bee stings.
1 have been reading an extraordinary, not to say night- marish, book about the Mysterious East. It is called The White Knight (MUBRAY) and begins on board a P. & O. liner, passengers on which were Denis Grey and Howell. The former, I gathered, had come out to Egypt as the guest of his Oxford friend, Howell, who was not only " one of the quietest men in Balliol," but on his mother's side a Bedouin Arab. Naturally this unusual combination was not without startling results, because, as it happened, there was a high- pressure blood feud going on at the time between Howell's tribe and another ; and hardly had the two travellers dis- embarked at Port Said when events began simply to hum. I have a fixed idea that had I been Grey I should have called the visit a failure. To begin with, having expressed a wish (the least he could do) to join his host's brotherhood, he found himself bound hand and foot and involved in the cios'o terrifying eaiertaiumeut of -gcnga and green lights
So
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[.JANUAUY 8, 1913.
Later, he had to fight for his life in a I shall select that often misapplied word "subtle There and was only rescued bv the heroine is none that comes nearer to Mr. IORBEST REID'S peculiar defeat. Well, really/ 1 mean- - method of telling half a tale, and suggesting the rest, which • you may then find out for yourself if you have interest and
imagination enough. Only the other day I saw that
Amongst «'>thi-r questions that occur to the sceptical reader < " Where was Lord KITCHENER?" Briefly, Mr. T. G.
WAKELING has written a sometimes exciting, but more often rather nonsensical, story about a country that he evidently knows and loves. The interest would have been stronger if the author had been less eager to combine it with in- struction. The characters have a disconcerting habit of holding long natural-history dialogues in question and answer, such as I take to be unusual for men in moments of emotional stress. But the big fight in the last chapters is tremendous fun, and justifies the making of the book — for those who like that sort of thing.
In The Letter-Bag of Lady Elizabeth Spencer-Stanhope (JOHN LANE) Mr. 'STIRLING provides some fascinating reading. The collection is designed to form a continuation and conclusion of two earlier works, Coke of Norfolk and his Friends and Annals of a York- shire House. The con- tents of the Letter-Bag mainly consist of corre- spondence addressed to or written by JOHN SPENCER- STANHOPE, who lived and saw wide variety of life between the years 1787 and 1873. It is impossible in the limited accommodation of this "Booking-Office" adequately to deal with the teeming pages of volumes which picture the social existence of two generations and record gossip and con- fidences exchanged over half a century. If the book did nothing more RH^KD*!]:!. than rescue the memory
Mr. REID was writing on " The Boy in Fiction," and certainly the list of his own books would seem to give him some claim to speak with authority. All his stories are in fact studies, extraordinarily clever and detailed and painstaking, of certain types of adolescence. In Following Darkness, the boy, Peter Waring, who is its central character and tells his own tale in the first person, is drawn with an ingenuity that is quite merciless. The result is a picture attractive, almost in spite of itself, from
this quality of sincerity. Ij1~ :t * l ' -1 tu"* —
no other ground could
For it must be confessed that on Peter's be called an engaging
personality. Moreover, let those who demand from a novel that it shall have a symmetrically rounded plot, or for whom boyhood, with its elusive moods and contradictions,
THE
FORGOTTEN DEEDS OF VALOUR. OF THE KING'S CONSCIENCE HANDS IK HIS RESIGNATION TO
its romance and happi- ness and despair, has no sufficient charm, avoid this book. The others will accept it with appreciation and gratitude for work of a kind both beautiful and rare. Despite some obvious faults of con- struction (of which the Preface seems to me to be one), Following Darkness deserves to linger pleasantly in the memory when two- thirds of the fiction of to-day has been wil- lingly forgotten.
of Ix>rd COLLINGWOOD from undeserved oblivion its publica- tion would be welcome. His share in the great victory of Trafalgar was outshone by the dazzling glory of his commander and friend, NELSON. Full justice is at length done him, partly by publication of his own modest account of the great fight, though the part lie played in it is only incidentally referred to. His description of tli3 battle is a masterpiece. A passage in one of his letters of later date, protesting against a tendency on the part of the Admiralty to neglect the duty of maintaining the efficiency of the Navy, will by its exact terminology commend itself to the present FIRST LORD. " I have always found," COLLINGWOOD wrote, " that kind language and strong ships have a very powerful effect in conciliating the people." Another apophthegm, a favourite remark with JOHN STAN- HOPE, may recommend itself to one of Mr. CHURCHILL'S Cabinet colleagues : " The great advantage of being of old family is that you are further removed from the rascal who founded it." Both NAPOLEON and WELLINGTON figure in the correspondence, in which appear vivid glimpses of Paris after Waterloo.
Casting about me for an epithet by which I may most suitably describe Following Darkness (ARNOLD), I think
has somehow or other got left
There is one article that might very well have been included in The English Character (FouLis) by SPENCER LEIGH HUGHES, but out — an article on the
varying value of externals. Any unprejudiced reader who took up this book and considered the very tasteful crimson - linen binding, the hand-made paper, the coloured illustra- tions, the wide margins, the clear lettering and the style of the printing — every chapter begins with a whole line in capitals and ends with two shortening lines like the tale of Fury and the Mouse in Alice in Wonderland — might be pardoned for saying eagerly, " Here is CHARLES LAMB at least." But with all due respect to Mr. HUGHES (who was so well-known as the Sub liosd of The Morning Leader and has now transferred his bower to The Daily News) I think he would be a little disappointed. Mr. HUGHES has one or two good stories to tell, and his observation is sometimes shrewd enough. But, oh dear! there are some sad platitudes in these pages and (can it possibly be because they first appeared in the form of diurnal columns?) they are woefully periphrastic at times. HUGHES has doubtless plenty of not be annoyed if I reserve the larger share of my gratitude
But never mind. Mr. admirers, and he will
for Mr. FOULIS.
Winter Sport.
"!HK SOUTH Oi.roicDsHiRK FOGHOUNDS."— Smith Biwks Free Press
JANUAKT 15, 1913.]
PUNCH, Oii THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
37
CHARIVARIA.
SIB GEOBOB SYDENHAM CLARKE has decided to take the title of Lord Sydenham. An attempt will no doubt be made to soil him the Crystal Palace as a residence worthy of his new dignity. ^
It is thought that the clocLsion of the Eoyal Geographical Society in regard to the admission of women as members may have the result of turning the atten- tion of an increased number of women to the study of geography. Wo fancy, however, that they will still ask the way of good-looking policemen. ,„ „
It has been discovered that big game in Central Africa nourish the organisms that are the cause of sleeping sickness. A 'number of notices bearing tho words "Kill that Lion I" are to be sent out at once, and a charitable lady has, we hear, offered to provide 20.000 fly
papers of an extra-large sizo.
* *
Nearly forty cheeses, weigh- ing together more than a ton, and valued at over £2 each, were stolen last week from a wholesale storehouse in Oakley Street, Lambeth. There were signs that some of them had not surrendered until after a plucky struggle.
* *
The lengths to which some persons will go in sacrificing themselves for the amusement of others is amazing. One of the guests at a party at Kettering, in endeavouring, last week, to blow out a candle blindfolded, burned off half his moustache.
appearance this edition surpasses every edition that we remember at this price." As tho price is tho unusual one of six shillings net, this notico is not quite
so handsome as it sounds. * *
: :
A number of inmates of the prison hotel at Parkhurst, who took part in the recent disturbances there, have been sent back to Portland. They are said to bo extremely annoyed at this. They had hoped that they would merely be expelled with ignominy and that His Majesty's Government would re- fuse to have anything more to do with
TO AN ELDEKLY FEWALtt.
(.4 January Idyll.) IN the January chill I beheld you on tho hill, O most angular old Jill,
Tall and gaunt; Unapproachable and prudo, With a face of Don't Intrude, And a general attitude
Of Avaunt I
By a mincing step and stiff, By a short and tentative And most disapproving sniff
Now and then. By a prim, tea-party air And a penetrating stare, I could tell you couldn't boar " Hateful men 1"
Elegant, if ancient wreck. How that mincing gait found
check, How you slewed that scrawny
nock
With a twist,
Startled, yes, but still refined I Then you ambled np the wind, Yeld and venerable hind That I missed I
Rttstio Passenger (as express dashes by). " BT GUM, THAT WEBB
A NEAR SBAVBl "
A Melbourne baker claims to have discovered a liquid compound which, if applied to a loaf of bread three or four days old, will restore all its original freshness. By the by, we believe it is not generally known that a thin coating of brown boot polish will convert a slightly soiled white loaf into an attractive-looking whole-meal loaf. .„ „,
#
"There is no ideal girl," says Mr. SANDOW. In view of this definite pro- nouncement it is thought that many gentlemen will now give up the fruitless search. ^ t
•I*
Of the Sydney Edition of Bacon's Essays a contemporary remarks :— "In its buckram covers and general
persons who take an unfair advantage of their hospitality.
* *
Last week, apparently, if one had kept one's eyes open, one would have seen at every street corner little groups of citizens discussing an alarming report — for, says The Observer, " The rumour that A. W. Gamage, Ltd., sup- ply only the Gamage Motor Tyre is not correct." Who, we wonder, is respon- sible for starting these wicked canards ?
" Young lambs arc very prolific in St. Erth district already." — Hayle Mail.
We confess that we cannot approve of this precocity. In any case we think that these young mothers would have been better advised to wait for the Government's maternity benefit.
The Line of Least Resistance. Tun waiter, in wishing me good morning, remarked that the day was much colder. I had as a matter of fact thought it particularly close and muggy, but I agreed with him.
At the cloak-room, where * man, at a daily remuneration of sixpence, takes charge of a hat and coat that would reposo on a chair beside me for nothing had I any courage, I was told that the weather seemed much more promising ; and again I agreed, although I had no such belief.
Finally, the splendid creature who, in return for more money, blows the whistle once for a cab for me, said that it was a nice day on the whole; and once more I agreed.
But what I want to know is, what does the Recording Angel do about this kind of thing ?
" Madamo ButtT>* majestic stature appealed to critics hardly less powerfully than her voice." — New York Correspondent of " Daily Telegraph."
At this rate of computation what would LITTLE TICH be worth ? A threepenny bit?
" Charge of Bobbing a Solicitor." — Times.
Difficulty has always been tho whet- stone of enterprise.
VOL. cxr.iv.
38
PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANUARY 15, 1913.
THE GREAT TWIN TERRORS.
" Ton- Members are trembling before tho remorseless propaganda, the unerring arithmetic, of Mr. Chiozza Money and Sir Alfred Mend."— P. W. W. in " Tlie Daily News and Leader."
'WHENCE comes this pallor which bedims
The Tory Party's sanguine faces? "Who puts the palsy in our limbs,
As when a cobra's fierce grimaces Reduce to pulp the paralytic bunny ? It is tho leonine CHIOZZA MONEY.
Who is the other terror? "Who
The basilisk that makes us shiver Turning our red corpuscles blue,
Setting our marrow-bones a-quivcr, Causing a kind of hiccup in the heart ? It is Sir ALFRED MONO, the gifted Bart.
And if you care to call in doubt
The wiles of these astounding wizards ;
If you would know some more about Their power to petrify our gizzards ;
With my inspired authority I '11 trouble you—
It is tho trusty scribe, P. double W.
'Twas he from whom I heard the trick That makes them such a pair of wonders :
He says it 's their arithmetic
Which absolutely never blunders ;
Ask them, if proof you want, to say at sight
How many beans make five — they 're always right.
'Tis this that puts us in the soup,
A wriggling mass of vermicelli ; By this they catch us when we stoop
So that we tremble like a jelly, Because we cannot cope with men of lore Who see at once that two and two are four.
They know addition, oh, and lots
Of darker matters ; they define ua The meaning of those " little dots,"
And cryptic things like + and - ; They even do their sums (or so 'tis said) Not on the fingers, but inside the head 1
Deadly at economics, they
Can tell by lightning calculations The blow that threatens, some fine day,
To knock the Tariff-ridden nations ; Nor, on the Free Food stump, can hecklers stand a Moment against their ruthless propaganda.
In lurid lights, that leave us dumb, They paint the ruin, swift and heavy,
Of those who tax the People's turn, Barring, of course, the Liberal levy
(A. little thing, a mere ten million touch)
On currants, coffee, cocoa, tea and such.
But we, a trembling chicken-brood,
We dare not say we find it funny That Liberal taxes laid on food
Are naught to MONO and nil to MONEY ; And, after all, a mere ten million — what 's a Trifle like that to ALFRED or CHIOZZA ?
O. S.
Extract from The Nervous System of Vertebrates : —
" There is no such thing as a pars supraueuroporica of tho lamina terminalis."
Personally we never said there was.
OUR COURTSHIP COLUMN.
EVERYBODY'S AUNT EMMA.
BY all means, Jemima, make it up with your William. No one is perfect, and we all lose our tempers at times. Besides, you say tho boot did not actually hit you, and you can easily get a new chandelier. Do you think lie can have been anticipating in a clumsy and indirect fashion the custom of throwing a shoe after tho wedding carnage ? In any case make him a present, as you suggest, as a sign of forgiveness ; a pair of very soft bedroom slippers would bo a thoughtful gift.
Lucy is engaged to a man who is most high-minded and honourable, but unfortunately he is not clever and he has very little hair on his head. Still, I think she had better stick to trim. There are many preparations for the hair (see our advertisement columns), and many great men have been oald, e.g., C^ISAR and Fra L:PPO Lirri. As to cleverness, that is not everything. The poet says, " Be good, sweet maid," and it is better to meet nice people, even if they are rather bores, than to be robbed by a witty dramatist or bludgeoned by a thoughtful poet.
I am at a loss, my dear Mary, to know what to say to you. Yours is a most distressing case. Use all your womanly tact and perhaps you will reclaim him. Next time he wants to enter a picture palace draw him aside, saying,
Come, Walter, I see a dog-fight at the other eiid of the street."
Philip thinks he has been very clever, but he has not; he has dono a cruel unkind thing. It is not merely the crockery ; hearts are broken by acting in that way.
You were quite right, Lily. A man who could behave like that is unworthy of any affection, let alone a con- suming passion such as you describe yours to be. When next he calls, summon him to that latticed window of which you speak so feelingly, and empty a jug of cold water over him. If he remonstrates you might reply with some little badinage, as for example, " Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink." Then close the window and retire to rest.
Your heart is not touched, Amelia, but I think you are a little bit wrong in the head.
I can quite understand, Constantia, that you misa the visits of your Henry. His eyes must have been excessively blue. But his habit of imitating a green parrot no doubt grew tiring and, as you say his income is so small, I feel certain that your heart cannot really have been touched. If Percy's diamonds are genuine (and a visit to the nearest jeweller will settle this point) I think I would forget Henry. But you must be very careful not to display anything like a mercenary spirit, for there is nothing that the rich dislike so much.
I should advise Clara to see a beauty specialist, is a most distressing face.
Hers
" Contemplating the eyes of this woman, one thought of elemental passions. If the eyes were her great feature, tho mouth gave more key to her true self. The short upper lip curled outward enough to make visible a shadowy line above itself, when the light came upwards to her face. Tho skin over the eyeteeth showed that slight fulness indicative of animalism." — " Bystander" Short Story.
The sort of woman one escapes from by tho skin of her eyeteeth.
" The macaw of British Honduras says a lecturer resembles many people in wearing fine clothes, making a great noiso, and in being good for nothing else." — Evening News.
A caustic bird, tho macaw.
PUNCH, OB THE LONDON CHARIVARI.— JANUARY 15, 1913.
PRESIDENT TAFT (singing).
THE SWAN-SONG.
'ARBITRATION I ADORE,
SOMETIMES LESS AND SOMETIMES MORE. IP YOU LOVE YOUR DYING SWAN, KEEP IT UP WHEN HE IS GONE."
[PBESIDKNT TAFT, after proposing to repudiate the Hay-Pauncefoto Treaty, has at last, within a few weeks of the close of his term of ofiicc, lifted up his voice in favour of a sort of arbitration on the Panama tolls.]
JANUARY 15, 1913.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
'•WHAT'S ALL THIS ABOUT AN INSURANCE ACT? HAVE TO LICK STAMPS OB SOMETHIN', WIIAT?" "DON'T KNOW, OLD THING. SEEMS TO HAVE BLOWN OVER."
MILLENNIAL MEETINGS.
STIMULATED by tho example of Mr. FREDERIC HARBISON in his •pronuiwia- inii'iito, " 1913," in The Einjlisk Review, several of our leading publicists bave delivered tbemselves on tbe subject of Anglo-German relations, and tbe best way of promoting tbe peace of Europe.
Sir EDWIN DUHNINO - LAWRENCE, speaking at tbe annual meeting of tbe Bacup Baconian Society last Friday, observed tbat tbey lived in stirring times. He was, however, hopeful, nay sanguine, tbat peace would be preserved if the legitimate aspirations of Ger- many could be reconciled with a due re- gard for our own Imperial obligations. Personally he had no doubt whatever that this could be done easily on the basis of a simple deal. Let Germany take Sn. \KSPKARE (giving us LUTHER in exchange) while we kept BACON. He felt convinced that she would acquiesce in an arrangement so fraught with pacific possibilities. Germany would save her face, and we would save our BACON. (Great applause.)
Tho Chevalier WILLIAM LE QUEUX, who was the principal guest at tho
quinquennial banquet of tbe Eocbester Revolver Club, adumbrated a remark- able scheme for maintaining the inter- dynastic relations of Europe on a harmonious basis. He proposed a Conference of Crowned Heads to be held in the Republic of San Marino, before which he was prepared to submit his plan of settling all international disputes by reference to an official, to lie called the Cosmic Conciliator, who should be elected by tbe assembled Sovereigns and bold office for life. If tbe choice fell upon himself, as he had good ground for believing it might, he would not shirk the responsibilities of the post or fail to deal faithfully with recalcitrant potentates.
Mr. THOMAS BEECHAM, the famous conductor, fresh from his triumphs in Germany, addressed a meeting of musicians at Finsbury Park last Satur- day evening. He said that the treat- ment of German bands was the only outstanding question between the two countries. He had begun to conduct overtures with Sir EDWARD CARSON with a view to their establishment in Ulster under Home Rule in case his efforts to secure their repatriation failed.
Sir WILLIAM BYLES, M.P., who pre- sided at an extraordinary meeting of the Bradford Branch of the Mad Mullah Protection League, criticised Mr. FREDERIC HARRISON'S proposal to surrender various portions of the Empire as timid and half-hearted. It was no good giving up Egypt, Malta and Gibraltar unless we also decided to give back India to the Indians and Australia to the aborigines. In view of the GERMAN EMPEROR'S fondness for yachting, Sir WILLIAM added that it would be a gracious as well as politic act to present him with the Isle of Wight as a summer residence.
The Suicide Club.
"BIG DYERS' STRIKE.
5000 OPERATIVES GIVE NOTICE TO EXPIRE
IN A WEEK."
Dwulee Evening Telegraph.
"Many a wintry wind this fine old tower lias dulled, the scorching sun has shone its rays on its four sides for centuries."
Bury Post.
No need to bother about a south aspect here. The north is as good as any of them.
4-2
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[JANI'AKY 15, 1913.
MORE SUCCESSFUL LIVES.
Vlir. (•.(»(/ Last).— Tm: Kxri.oiii:i:. A> the evening wore on -and one young iiuui lifter anot her asked Jocolyu .Monttvvor if she wore going to Ascot, what? or to Henley, what ',' or what '.'- she wondered more and more if this were all that life would ever hold for her. Would she never meet a man, a real man who had done, something? Tlie^e hoys around her were very plea -ant, she admitted to herself; very useful, indeed, she added, as one ap- proached her with some refreshment; hut they were only boys.
" Here you are," said Freddy, handing her an ice in three colours. " I 've had it made specially cold for you. They only had the green, pink and yellow jerseys left ; I hope you don't mind. The green part is arsenic, I believe. If you don't want the wafer I '11 take it home and put it between the sashes of my bedroom window. The rattling kept me awake all last night. That "s why I 'm looking so ill, by-the-way."
.locelyn smiled kindly and went on with her ice.
'•That reminds me," Freddy went on, " we 've got a nut here to-night. The genuine thing. None of your society Hurcelonas or suburban Filberts. One of the real Cob family ; the driving -f rom- the- sixth -tee, inset -on -the -right and New - Year's - message - to - the - country touch. In short, a celebrity."
'• Who '! " asked Jocelyn eagerly. Perhaps here was a man.
" Worrell Brice, the explorer. Don't say you haven't heard of him or Aunt Alice will cry."
Heard of him ? Of course she had heard of him. Who hadn't ?
Worrall Brice's adventures in distant parts of the empire would have filled a book— had, in fact, already filled three. A glance at his flat in St. James's Street gave you some idea of the adventures he had been through. Here were the polished spurs of his companion in the famous ride through Australia from south to north — all that had been left by the cannibals of the Wogga-Wogga River after their banquet. Here was the poisoned arrow which, by the mer- ciful intervention